New In Town - John Mulaney

I have a lot of strange interactions on the street.

Years ago I was walking down the street and

a homeless guy came up to me

And he walked up to me and he pushed me,

like that, he pushed me in the chest

And then he said these things, in this order, he pushed me and he said:

Excuse me

I am homeless

I am gay

I have aids

I’m new in town

(audience laughing)

You’re gonna close with new in town?

That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said

As they say in the movie, Jerry McGuire;

«You had me at aids.»

Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things

I would’ve said:

Excuse me

I’m new in town

And it gets worse

(audience laughing)

Didn’t that guy practice his like

pitch at all in the mirror that morning?

And just figure out what he was gonna say?

You know?

Just like in the morning just be like

«Alright what am I gonna do today… what am I gonna do today?

Alright I’ll walk up and say hello

No that’s too subtle

I’m gonna push him

Imma push him

And I’m gonna say, «I'm new in town»

No no, hold back, hold back

Save it

Build to that

How about I go walk up to him

I’ll push him

I’ll go, «I have aids»

No that’s too strong

Alright now

I’m gonna walk up to him

I’m gonna push him

I will start with the fact that I am homeless

As that is a given

Then for a back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay

Which I know its tough for gay youth on the streets

But thats not like a reason for money

You can’t be like

«Hey, would you help me out?

I am very gay, I’d like a few dollars.»

I always loved how he phrased it by the way

He didn’t say

«I'm living on the street»

He said

«I'm new in town»

Like it was intriguing

Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody

Like I have a friend who’s like

«There's no single guys left in Manhattan!»

And I’m like

«I know someone who’s new in town»

«What are three other things about him?»