Algebra Song! - John Mulaney

I’ll sing a song about karmic wrath

How I lost my eye because I didn’t know math!

I was born in Nola but then we had to flee

Police were searching everywhere for a fella named Daddy

I’m the child of a con man and a saintly mama

We fled for Chicago with nothin' but pajamas

If you don’t see how algebra will save your eye

I’ll tell you why, I’ll tell you why

If you don’t see how algebra will save your eye

Just keep listenin' and I’ll tell you why

By age 13, I was weary of school

Thought doing your homework was the work of a fool

Drop out in a flash and, abracadabra

No more reading, no more algebra

There’s a high on the world and he wanted to join

Throw the passion, fashion, cash an' coin

If you have pocket change, shake shake shake

I have coins up on the dresser

My principal was a hundred and four

Folks said she was a witch, hair down to the floor (Wa doo)

She cackled through a cigarette and said to me

«Not knowing algebra will change the way that you see!»

I got the change!

Too late!

You’re starting to see how algebra will save your eye

It’s clear as the sky, no need to clarify (No no no)

But if you still don’t see how algebra will save your eye

Just keep listenin' and I’ll tell you why (Whoa, whoa)

Hey there, tutor

Yes, that’s me

What’s it like with only one eye to see?

With only one eye, I can never look twice

But when you buy a pair of shades, they’re always half-price!

I was out in the world, my school day’s over (Were over)

Working for a wealthy woman as her chauffeur (A chauffer)

Her husband always traveled and she craved relations

She didn’t care that I didn’t know equations

'Till the day the husband came lookin' for his wife (Wa ooh)

With a jealous heart and an eye-poking knife (Wa ooh)

Madam thought fast, she said, «Pretend you were

Over in the house as a math tutor.»

The husband comes in, said, «I hear you know math.»

I’m as naked as a baby in a bath

He wrote a problem and I got scared

If B is three, what is AX squared

I took my pencil from the man and did my best (Wa ooh)

I drew a stick figure of a lady with breasts (Wa ooh)

He was not amused, threw me 'gainst the wall

And pointed his knife at my eyeball!

But then the phone rang that was next to the bed

The husband picked it up and found that Princess Di was dead

And in the commotion

Oh, the emotion

I escaped with both eyes intact

A ta, a ta, a twelve five nine

So now you see that algebra will save your eye

My story makes sense, on that you can rely.

(No no no)

You’re not confused how algebra relates to my eye

I solved for X (Solve for X) and now you better solve for Y

Ba ba ba bada ba

Ba ba bada ba

Algebra song

Vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp

Vamp!