The Contest - Stephen Sondheim

I am Adolfo Pirelli

The king of the barbers

The barber of the kings

E bon giorno, good day

I blow you a kiss!

And I, the so famous Pirelli

I wish-a to know-a

Who has-a the nerve-a to say

My elixir is piss!

Who says this?

I do.

I am Mr. Sweeney Todd.

I have opened a bottle of Pirelli’s elixir,

and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud.

And furthermore—"Signor"

—I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a

tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank!

You hear-a this foolish man?

Watch and see how he will-a regret his-a folly!

Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors

Ready?

Ready

Ready

The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner

Now, signorini, signori

We mix-a the lather

But first-a you gather around

Signorini, signori

You looking a man

Who have had-a the glory

To shave-a the Pope!

Mr. Sweeney whoever—

I beg-a your pardon—'e'll call me a liar

Say it was only a cardinal—Nope!

It was-a the Pope!

Perhaps, signorini, signori

You’d like-a tell you

The story of Queen Isabella

The queen of-a Polan

Whose toot' was-a swollen

I pull it so nice from her mout'

That-a though to begin

She’s a screaming-a murder

She’s later-a swoon-a with bliss

An' was heard-a to shout

Pull all of 'em out

To shave-a the face

To pull-a the toot'

Require the grace

And not the brute

For if-a you slip

You nick-a the skin

You clip-a the chin

You rip-a the lip a bit

And that’s-a the trut'

To shave-a the face

Or even a part

Widout it-a smart

Require the heart

Not just-a the flash

It take-a the art, I show you a chart

I study-a starting in my yout'

To cut-a the hair

To trim-a the beard

To make-a the bristle

Clean like a whistle

This is from early infancy

The talent give to me

By God!

It take-a the skill

It take-a the brains

It take-a the will

To take-a the pains

It take-a the pace

It take-a the grace—

The winner is Todd

And now who’s for a tooth pulling

Free without charge

Me, sir, me, sir

Who else?

No one?

Then sir, since there is no means to test the second skill I

claim victory

Wait, one moment, wait

You, boy, get on that chair

Me, signor?

Oh, not a tooth, sir, I beg of you, I ain’t got a twinge,

not the slightest pain, I

You do now.

We see who is zee victor now

Ready?

Ready

Ready

To pull-a the toot' without-a the skill

Can damage the root

Now hold-a the still an' if-a you slip

You grip a bit, you hit the pit of it

Or chip-a the do and have-a to fill

To pull-a the toot' without-a the grace

You leave-a the space all over the place

You try to erase without-a the trace

Sometimes is the case you even-a kill

To hold-a the clamp without-a the cramp

With all that saliva, it could-a drive-a you crazy

Don' mutter or back-a you go to the gutter

My touch is as light as a butter-a cup

I take-a the pains, I learn-a the art

I use-a the brains, I give-a the heart

I have-a the grace, I win-a the race

I give up!