Corporal Mum - Pete Gold

Father taught me wisdom

Grandma taught me truth

My teachers taught me many things that helped me through my youth

But mum, the things you taught me were better than all that

Like how to strip a rifle down in fifteen seconds flat

When you were on maneuvers

I couldn’t sleep at all

Till I saw your laser crosshairs flickering gently down the hall

And I’m still your little soldier

I’m loyal, proud, and true

And I know just what it means to be a real man

Like you

Man, a man

A real man like you

So I salute you, Corporal Mum

Make me march up and down

Call me 'orrible scum

Then send me on a ten-mile run (In my pants)

I salute you, Corporal Mum

You took me on a picnic

You wore your combat gear

And you made me smear myself with mud

And kill and gut a deer

We returned at oh-five-hundred

Father’s note was in the hall

It said: «Couldn't stand the blitzkrieg, love.

So had to go AWOL.»

But you’d boobytrapped his Volvo

It was blown to smithereens

You said, «Soldiers do not cry, boy

Now get digging those latrines!»

Ah, I remember my seventh birthday.

Mum took me to Burger King and annexed the

upstairs restaurant.

The siege lasted a week…

But now that you’re retiring

I’ll hope you’ll let it be

And I’ll help you clear the shed of all those WMD

Clear the shed of WMD

Congratulations, Corporal Mum

You can hang up your boots

You can hang up your gun

For now your killing days are done (Stab, stab)

Congratulations, Corporal Mum

So put your feet up, Corporal Mum

You can eBay your tank

Take your taser off stun

Your trigger finger must be numb

So put your feet up, Corporal Mum

You’re fucking scary, Corporal Mum (I'm wary, you’re scary mother,

you’re a scary mother)

With your hairy mustache and disfiguring scar (You're very, you’re hairy,

mother, you’re a hairy mother)

So now I’m off to Zanzibar (It's miles away)

You’ll never find me, Corporal Mum

Dismissed