Got No Beard - The Longest Johns

I once met a man who said he was a fan

He wanted to sing in my shanty band

But the bottom of his face looked weird (SO WEIRD!)

There was skin on his chin that I loathed and feared

From his crown to ear he was most sincere

But you can’t sing shanties if you got no beard!

Got no beard, you’ve got no beard!

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got no beard!

Got no beard, you’ve got no beard!

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got no beard!

I once met a girl who heard sea songs

She came to the show and she sung along

But her timing with the shout was slow (SO SLOW!)

She was graced with a face like the morning glow

But a holler was a blow from the very front row said:

You can’t sing shanties if you can’t shout: 'HO'!

Can’t shout 'ho!

', can’t shout 'ho!

'

You can’t sing shanties if you can’t shout: 'ho'!

Can’t shout 'ho!

', can’t shout 'ho!

'

You can’t sing shanties if you can’t shout: 'ho'!

And you’ve got no beard!

I once met a guy on a weird machine

Had wheels and a bell, no mast to be seen

He was shouting from a pad of notes (NO NOTES!)

And the wheels got caught on his overcoat

And he fell from the pier clawing at his throat

So: you can’t sing shanties if you don’t own a boat

Don’t own a boat, you don’t own a boat!

You can’t sing shanties if you don’t own a boat

Don’t own a boat, you don’t own a boat!

You can’t sing shanties if you don’t own a boat

And you can’t shout: 'ho!

', and you’ve got no beard!

I once met a bloke on a tavern floor

He’d had ten beers but I had ten more

And his piggy little face was pink, (SO PINK!)

He tried to shout the words but t’were all out of sync

With a voice so bad it’ll make you think that:

You can’t sing shanties if you can’t hold your drink

Can’t hold your drink, you can’t hold a drink

You can’t sing shanties if you can’t hold your drink

You can’t hold a drink you can’t hold a drink

You can’t sing shanties if you can’t hold your drink

And you don’t own a boat, and you can’t shout: 'ho!

'

And you’ve got no beard!

I once met a sailor all big and broad

With an eye-patch, parrot, and a long curved sword

Had a chest like a powder keg (BIG CHEST)

But he had both shoes and he smelled like eggs

I expect he would look better with a wooden peg

'Cause you can’t sing shanties if you got two legs

Got two legs, you’ve got two legs

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got two legs

Got two legs, you’ve got two legs

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got two legs

And you can’t hold your drink, and you don’t own a boat

And you can’t shout 'ho!

', and you’ve got no beard!

Well: Anna’s got no beard

And Dave: he has a bike

Robbie’s father-in-law has boats but won’t sing on the mic

And JD can’t shout HO because his wife takes much offense

And Andy’s got two beautiful hairy legs

But there’s no reason good enough not to join us

So sing along with the very last chorus!

TWO-THREE-FOUR

Got no beard, you’ve got no beard!

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got no beard!

Got no beard, you’ve got no beard!

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got no beard!

Got no beard, you’ve got no beard!

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got no beard!

Got no beard, you’ve got no beard!

You can’t sing shanties if you’ve got no beard

And you’ve got two legs, and you can’t hold your drink

And you don’t own a boat, and you can’t shout 'ho!

'

And you’ve got no beard!