A Star Is Born - Stephen Sondheim

March 12th, 1954

Hollywood, USA, is in an uproar

(sung)

What’s the cause of the wild commotion in Starland?

Is it merely another tantrum by Garland?

Is it Beverly Tyler’s return to the screen?

Or the beguine begun by Nan McFarland?

There’s a rumor that the exciting event is

Warner Brothers' reissuing Nora Prentiss

Maybe Crawford and Stanwyck have launched a new drive

To try and revive the loves of

Martha Ivers, Thelma Jordan, Mildred Pierce, and Harriet Craig

All these rumours are vague and untrue

Then what’s the hullabaloo?

It’s not the revelations of Garbo laying her soul bare

Telling of her extreme affection for Colbert

Nor is it the discovery that Elizabeth Scott really is not a girl

Then why is Movieland in a whirl?

What is all the to-do?

It’s the recent arrival of a rival to Merle

I mean the earth-shaking birth of Kitty Lou

Hollywood is all askew, topsy-turvy

From Bine Venuta to Irene Hervey

Everyone in Hollywood’s gay

For a star is born today

Look at Hepburn weeping on Shearer’s sables

Vera-Ellen leaping on glass-top tables

Betty Grable kissing Al Faye

For a star is born today

Annie Miller has the gang responding

To the urge of her taps

Piper Laurie’s on the urge of a total collapse

Praise the miracle of a new star nearing

Even Maggie Sullivan feels like cheering

Joan Tone is telling Fay Wray

That a star is born, yes a star is born today

While her daddy’s handing out the cigars

Kathy Lou’s getting presents from all the stars

Everybody who’s anybody has sent a gift by starlift

Ethel Merman sent an ermine bib in mauve and blue

Joanie Wanger’s sent a manger lined with marabou

Ann Doran sent the can aflit

Irene Dunne sent a nun to baysit

Swanson’s set a pale magenta mink upholsetered car

Rita Gam a silent samovar

Oliv' de Havilland sent some gravel and

Half a ton of tile, cement, and tar

To pave the driveway 'round the home of our star

Ona Munson sent a Bunson burner just for kicks

Osa Massen sent a bassinet and swizzle sticks

Alan Ladd sent some mad perfume

Myrna Loy sent a toy projection room

Rossellini sent martini mix for formula

Anthony Quinn sent a sequined bra

A maid of Kit Cornell sent a doll that yells

«Really, darling!»

instead of «Ma»

The perfect present for the budding young star

Dottie Howard sent a flowered handkerchief of Mag’s

Rita Johnson sent a Ronson and a pack of fags

Lucille Ball sent a calling card

And the gun used in Sunset Boulevard

Brenda Holden sent a golden mammal telephone

Sylvia Sydney sent her kidney stone

Laraine Durocher was strictly kosher, she

Sent a case of Manischewitz wine

The other stars are building Kathy a shrine

But let’s get back to Hollywood and Vine

Ann McNulty, on her knees, lights a candle

Whispers to her rosaries some new scandat

Annie’s only trying to pray

For the star that’s born today

Lana Turner saw the tyke, called her Cheryl

Said she looks exactly like Gary Merrill

Gary thinks she looks like Turhan Bey

The star that’s born today

Elly Powell’s taking all her tap shoes out of moth balls, tonight

While Veronica de Toth balls in utter delight

Says Ricardo Montalbán, «Dinky's narrow

But she’ll have more children than Maureen Farrow

All as talented as Ida K

Like the star that’s born, like the star that’s born today»

Although time is mean

And though fame is void

And though film turns green

And myth’s destroyed

Still the day we’ve seen

Kathy Lou employed

On the silver screen

We’ll be overjoyed

More like Lauriet Jean

And like William Boyd

She will be the queen

Of the celluloid

Burgess Meredith

Even Hedy Lamarr

And the D.A.R

All the kin and kith

Whether near or far

Think Miss Hollarith

Is spectacular

Like Alexa Smith

And like Deborah Kerr

She’s a junior myth

And a friendly star

So bring on the rhythm

And the caviar

And let’s go!

While the bits pour in from every major studio!

Metro, after flying to scout the midwest

Says that they are dying to bring that kid west

Dore Schary wants to be called Doray

'Cause a star was born today

Fox was given Katherine Lou’s description

She’s replacing Brando in The Egyptian

Paramount has bought the passion play

For the star that’s born today

Junie Preisser has done twenty-seven of her dazzling routines

Junie’s tired, but the jazz lingers on in her genes

Busby Berkeley sound your horn, sound your claxon

For today a star is born, out in Jackson, Mich

Make a wish

And wish that tiny star, well

Be glad she’s born beneath the star of Jane Darwell

Shout hooray!

A star, star, star, star is born today!

Kathy Lou!

Here’s to you

From Lena Horne

And Phillip Dorn

And Marion Lorne

It’s California’s

Lucky morn'

A star is born