The Heckler - Schaffer The Darklord

Shut up!

Nobody speak or laugh or dance

‘Cause right now I’m giving somebody else a chance

Tonight we have a very special guest

It’s the heckler right there, he’s got some things on his chest

So give him, your attention- undivided attention

Like, pretend he’s a guest speaker at a shithead convention

Or pretend he’s on stage rocking the coliseum

Please down in front, I hope that everyone can see him

With no further ado, all of you

Please give a little love to you know who

All the way from the audience of tonight’s show

Ladies and Gentleman, I give to the heckler… Go…

How do you do it dude?

It’s like you got a gift

Worthy stream of consciousness, improvisational riffs

You can really face a challenge, where a coward would hide

I fucking call you a genius to which the heckler replied…

Shut up!

I’m talking to the heckler in the house

Shut up!

Do us all a favor, just shut your mouth

Shut up!

Do you understand just what I’m talking about?

Shut up!

Or get out

Shut up!

Or get out

Why do you do it?

I don’t know why dude

I wouldn’t interrupt you at your fucking job at the drive through

I’m on the bill tonight, I’d like a chance to speak

And I think drunk douchebag is scheduled next week

You thought you’d get a couple laughs, you were hoping right

Well fuck you, it’s my show- go find an open mic

And I’ll even drive you to one if you promise to leave

I’ll refund your five bucks, even throw in a CD

You’re a turd, you’re retarded, a retarded turd a re-turd

The kind of dick who thinks he’s funny screaming out Freebird

But don’t do that joke now, don’t even try it

Because A.) It isn’t funny and B.) you didn’t even right it

This is a solo act, not a duet

Comprende mi amigo?

Am I getting through to you yet?

Did you think you found your niche?

Did you think it’d make you rich?

Did you think this was your pitch?

You’re just the next most obvious rhyming word…

Shut up!

I’ve got a whole set, so let me finish it please

Shut up!

Do you have Tourette’s or similar disease?

Shut up!

Just do a couple shots and I’ll get your keys

Shut up!

Or just leave

Shut up!

Or just leave

Shut up!

I hope you break a leg, and a few bones

Shut up!

I hope you sense the sarcasm in my tone

Shut up!

Surprised that you aren’t on a cellular phone

Shut up!

Or go home

Shut up!

Or go home

Look, you’re not clever

Maybe take your endeavors

And maybe take your shit away from me forever and ever and ever

And never bring it back to my shows, I suppose

It goes without saying that you’re staying till close

In the rest of your life, is your behavior the same?

Like, would you wear a fucking helmet to an Oakland Raiders game?

And then run out on to the field to intercept a pass?

You wouldn’t- you know why?

‘Cause they’d kill your fucking ass

You’ve got my attention, and that much I will concede

And I’ve been heckled by dipshits, some of whom could even read

But you, my new friend, you’re a very special breed

With low self-esteem, is it attention you need?

You know, there’s a million hecklers just like you

And there’s one at every show, pulling the same shit too

And I wrote this tune for everyone that ever gets through

But tonight, my new friend, I dedicate it to you

Shut up!

You’re just talking you’ve got nothing to say

Shut up!

You’ll get your moment soon, just not today

Shut up!

I’ll try to put this in the most delicate way

Shut up!

Or go away

Shut up!

Or go away

Shut up!

I’m talking to the heckler in the house

Shut up!

Do us all a favor, just shut your mouth

Shut up!

Do you understand just what I’m talking about?

Shut up!

Or get out

Shut up!

Or get out

Shut up!