Diet Gum - John Grant

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, that’s what I’m doing to you

That smirk on your face was designed by me

I fucking curated it, like magically

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, that’s what I’m doing to you

You don’t like what I’ve become?

What d’ya expect to happen?

You come around with your lips flapping

All hopped up on diet gum

And everything you say is supposed to make me cum

Like, I should feel grateful you are in my life

But I’d rather dig out my own spleen with a butter knife

Hey, I’ve got some Gaines-Burgers you can have if you want 'em

You might as well, you’ve clearly hit rock bottom

You probably hang out at Times Square with Maytag Blue in your pocket

And around your neck is your grandmother’s locket

With a picture inside of what you might have been

Sound familiar?

Do you even know where that cheese is made?

It’s from Iowa, you dullard.

Ever heard of it?

I knew this guy from Ames, Ames, Iowa, Patrick

He was so not to be into, in the most extreme way

By the way, your bedside manner is reminiscent of a chuckle of hyenas, except,

yes, it is a chuckle of hyenas, Dr. Turdface

It’s a collective noun;

do you even know what a collective noun is, stupidzilla?

Hmm.. .

let’s see, I think your group would be called a misery, or, no,

a patheticness of fuckwits

Oh, oh right, pardon me, your doofusness, a patheticness of baristas

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, that’s what I’m doing to you

That smirk on your face was designed by me

I fucking curated it, like magically

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, that’s what I’m doing to you

You know, being with you was like a cross between Cannibal Apocalypse and

Lassie 9, except nowhere near good as both of those movies were

It’s still a personal conundrum of mine how anyone can have such view of

self-awareness

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, that’s why you just took a poo

In those slacks you’re wearing, is that a leisure suit?

Did you make that yourself?

That’s a rhetorical question

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, it’s rather easy with you

You’re sort of begging for it with your stupid face

You’re like Daffy Duck about to be erased

Did you really think you could seduce me in a leisure suit?

Well, I, yeah, okay, fair enough but, that was like, three weeks ago

I’d like to see you try that now!

Uh, uh, I’m not staring at your crotch, you maynard, I’m not!

Well, it’s hard not to, I mean, you practically dislocated your own hips

thrusting it at me

You’re li-, you’re like that neon sign that keeps Kramer up all night

Yeah, I guess you did keep me up all night a few times

Really?

463?

How could you know that?

We only went out for a year

What?

Oh, I don’t know, I was just gonna order out, I was gonna-

Well, sure, I guess so

Hey, um, I’m sorry I sorta snapped at you a few minutes ago

It’s nothing personal, I hope you know that

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, that’s what I’m doing to you

That smirk on your face was designed by me

I fucking curated it, like magically

I manipulate, that is what I do

I manipulate, that’s what I’m doing to you