The "Torchum" Never Stops - Frank Zappa

THING-FISH:

Now, dis nasty sucker is de respondable party fo de en-whiffment o' de origumal

potium.

Through de magik o' stage-kraff, we be able to see him at woik!

He now be preparin' some ugly shit to make yo' life even mo' mizzable den it

awready are, since dis batch be resigned to render him IMMORTAL!

We does not know if it gwine woik yet, but we kin always hope fo' de best!

THING-FISH: (singing)

Flies all green 'n buzznin'

In his dunjing of despair

Prisoners grummle an' piss dey' clothes

'N scratch dey' matted hair

A tiny light fum a window-hole

A hunnit yards away

Is all dey ever gets t’know

'Bouts de reg’luh life in de day

An' it stink so bad, de stones been chokin'

'N weepin' greenish drops

In de room where de giant fowah-puffer woikin'

'N de torchum never stops

De torchum never stops

De torchum

De torchum

De torchum never stops

(Go on, 'DEWLLA! Play dat lil' guitar one mo’gin!)

(spoken)

Uh-oh!

I smells trubba!

He be messin' wit pigmeat heahhh!

Muthafucker be

rejectin' some CO-LOG- NUH directly into de DUO-DEENUM of de unsuspecting

victim!

Now he gone see if he immune to it by eatin' a dab hisseff!

(singing)

Flies all green an' buzznin'

In his dunjing of despair

An EVIL PRINCE eats a steamin' pig

In a chamber, right near dere

He eat de snouts an' de trotters foist!

De loins an' de groins id soon re-spersed

His carvin' style id well re-hoist

He stan' 'n shout:

All main be coist!

All main be coist!

All main be coist!

All main be coist!

An' dis-ergree?

Well, no one durst…

He de best, of cose, of all de woist

Some wrong been done, he done it foist…

An' he stink so bad, his bones been chokin'

And weepin' greenish drops

In de vat of GALOOT CO-LOG-NUH

Where de Re-zease be berlin' up

Berlin' an' uh boilin' up

CO-LOG-NUH!

CO-LOG-NUH!

GALOOT CO-LOG-UH-NUH!

THING-FISH: (spoken)

Oh!

Do yoseff a favum 'n DON’T USE IT!

Oooooooh!

Look at THESE ugly suckers!

Boy, when white folks come back fum bein' dead, they sho' gets scary-lookin'!

But don’t take their appearance too seriously, people, 'cause dey say dis de

sort o' folks dat belongs on BROADWAY!

The BROADWAY ZOMBIES collect around the

EVIL PRINCE, who suddenly suspects the presence of an intruder.

After taking a

large bite from an onion he sings…

EVIL PRINCE: (singing)

Somewhere, over there, I can tell

There’s a voice of

A potato-headed whatchamacallit

Who does not wish me well!

His clothes are quite stupid

And also his shoes!

He’s got a big ol' duck-mouth!

(Who knows how he chews!)

He thinks he knows something

About THE GREAT PLAN!

How ULTIMATE BLANDNESS

Must RULE and COMMAND

He knows not a drop

Not a crumb

Not a whit

Of the reason for doing

This criminal shit

And then, if he did

Would it matter a bit?

Not at all!

Because IT IS WRIT:

Our BEIGE-BLANDISH GOD

Tends to CERTIFY IT:

«Only the boring and bland shall survive!

Only the lamest of lameness will thrive!»

Take it or leave it, you won’t be alive

If you are overtly CREATIVE!

Fairies and faggots and queers are

'CREATIVE'

All the best music on Broadway is

'NATIVE'

Who will step forward

And end all this trouble?

For beige-blandish citizens

Clutching the rubble

Of vanishing dreams

Of wimpish amusement

Replaced by a rash

Of 'CREATIVE' confusement!

Soon, my brave Zombies

You’ll make your return!

Broadway will glow!

Broadway will burn!

(Along with the remnants of

EVERYTHING NEW)

My HOLY DISEASE will do

Wonders for you!

Those lovely producers

Who paid for you 'then'

Will do it again, and again, and again!

EVIL PRINCE: (singing to the Zombies)

The spying potato

With horrible diction

Will rot in the garbage

When this show’s eviction

Takes place shortly after

My alternate skill

Of THEATRICAL SABOTAGE

Triumphs YOUR will!

I’ve a special review

I’ve been saving for years

For a show just like this

With POTATOES and QUEERS

I’ll say it’s disgusting, atrocious, and dull

I’ll say it makes boils inside of your skull

I’ll say it’s the worst-of-the-worst of the

Year

No wind down the plain, and it’s hard on your

Ear

I’ll say it’s the work of an infantile mind

I’ll say that it’s tasteless, and that you will

Find

A better excuse to spend money or time

At a Tupper-Ware Party

So, do be a smarty!

Hold on to that dollar

A little while longer

For spending it here

Why, it couldn’t be wronger!

WHAT’S HAPPENED TO BROADWAY?

WHERE’S IT GONE, ALL THE GLITTER?

THE 'HEART' AND THE 'SOUL'

THE PATTER?

THE PITTER?

And after this deadly review hits the paper

In will come ROPER, BENDER & RAPER

To legally execute all that remains

Of this tragic amusement for drug-addled brains

THING-FISH: (singing)

Flies all green an' buzznin'

In his dunjing of despair

Who are all o' dem ZOMBIES

Dat he fuckin' wit down dere?

Are dey crazy?

Are dey sainted?

Are dey STAGE-KRAFF someone painted?

It have never been explained

Since at first it were created

But, a MUSICAL, like we’s in

Require a WHOLE BUNCH O' EVERYTHIN'!

We talkin' EVERYTHIN' DAT EVER BEEN!

Look at her!

Look at him!

Dat what de deal we dealin' in

Dat what de deal we dealin' in

Dat what de deal we dealin' in

Dat what de deal we dealin' in