Charliesomething - Eric Schwartz

To my dearest little sister, Sally Brown, it’s Charlie here

A lot of things have happened since you skipped town

For one, I’m queer, for about a year

I know, of course, you might be less than psyched

About the path I took

But I had to face the fact that I kind of liked

How Linus looked, before he booked

Cause Patty came out and left me shocked and confused

She shacked up with Marcy, who was clearly abused

And I picked up a needle that had just been used before

Now Lucy’s playing hockey, her team just won the Stanley Cup

Schroeder dresses just like Beethoven did and ties her up

And she barks like a pup

And the hunt is on for Linus

But as you know, he’s hard to catch

You see, he found that lots of interesting things could grow in the Pumpkin

Patch

But the feds are no match

Cause he and the red-haired girl split the scene

The psilocybin sultan and the cannabis queen

And Franklin shot 2Pac and now he ain’t nowhere to be seen

Break it down!

Woodstock got eaten by the cat who lives next door

Snoopy got neutered and now he ain’t Joe Cool no more

And he’s still kind of sore

And Pig Pen od’d, was just a matter of time

He couldn’t keep a job on account of the grime

And he couldn’t face a future of small-town crime no more

So write us all a letter and tell us how the city is

Freda said she saw you, so tell me how’s the porno biz

My little sis, the porno biz, my little sis