Control - Tonedeff

Stay.

No, don’t

Go away.

Come close

When I say what I want’s not the same as what I’ve done.

Oh no

It’s coursing through my veins

Coursing through my veins

I’m out of control

I can never tell when it’s over

When I say what I want’s not the same as what I’ve done.

Oh no

It’s coursing through my veins

Coursing through my veins

But I want control

The jenga pieces were fucked from the start

Cause everything that I touch falls apart

There’s a faulty part of me resting, till it gets the best of me

Let’s me reach for the structure and then it shoves on my arm

I expect to be late — in a rush, cause it’s smart

And it deafens my head to negate the buzz of the alarm

Though I set it, I slept through it — wait… which one is the mark?

And who meddled?

I wrestle with blame — while drunk up at the bar

Then I’m shredded to death the next day — hungover, I march

To the set of this expletive play, of what’s known as a farce

This director resents and degrades

I flub all of my parts

And I exit the stage, yet I claim I’m numb to his remarks

I’m an expert in lessening in pain, I cut over the scars

So the flesh that is left can remain untouched, pure as the dawn

But the second it festers, I rage.

Destruction of the facade

Ain’t no guessing the recipe’s flavor, crunched under the char

It’s excessive in plenty of ways, I’m stumped?

Then I restart

Cause If it ain’t perfection, I fade — I run towards the dark

Like there’s medicine kept in the shade — he crumples up the art

I regressively step and the baby gets dumped with the water

The penalty’s heft on mistakes is much heavier/harsh

So, when I mess up — reset the game — and thus — never go farther

A vet to rejection and hate, I’m huddled in my guard

So instead when I’m sent a grenade, I can bump it out the park

But he tends to deflect any praise, lumps it with the snark

My perception is — yes, I’m afraid I’ll fumble at 1 yard

I’m sweating whenever there’s bets to be placed, stuttering over the odds

Leveraging a defensive delay, shuffling the cards

I’m petrified of success and acclaim, he stumbles over the blocks

Every hex is accepted with grace, he’s comfortable in the loss

He projects, the trajectory’s safe, it’s control he can chart

And it’s at the expense of his angst, He guns solo — it’s hard…

Incessant delays does most of the harm

And when a wave of depression came, he jumped over the barge

And in my dread, I was led astray and I dug holes in my yard

My ex suggested we separate, cause I suffocate with art

But there were many more pressing plagues that were stuffed within our cart

And then when I checked out, I felt my brain, I shut it in response

Ain’t no prep for the sense of shame, when your woman knows you’ve lost —

I felt dejected, my selfish ways, had crushed my lover’s heart

And then my plus 1 departs, like they were plucked from the ark

I temporarily end the ache with sluts, hoes and thots

On the bus home I’m starving, cause my stomach’s full of knots

And as I slept in this bed of blades — he’s puffing a cigar

Cause he deceptively fed me bait, and drugged me with his charm

It’s like a sedative — hence the haze, you’re somehow absolved

Knowing there’s someone else in charge as you plummet and you fall

I relent and self-deprecate, and publicize my flaws

Turning these lemons to lemonade, in a punch filled with straws

Everyone begs me to get a taste, it’s ugly but it’s strong

As I struggle to evolve from a duck into a swan

Yet this devil won’t let me change, he’s sunk in with his claws

Until he collects every debt I pay, I’m stuck within these walls

I’m living within an enemy state of mind, but instead of a stranger,

penning these checks

The evidence states, the enemy’s name is mine

Stay.

No, don’t

Go away.

Come close

When I say what I want’s not the same as what I’ve done.

Oh no

It’s coursing through my veins

Coursing through my veins

I’m out of control

I can never tell when it’s over

When I say what I want’s not the same as what I’ve done.

Oh no

It’s coursing through my veins

Coursing through my veins

But I want control

I’m outta control and I want you to know that my mind is my foe,

and it vies for the throne

I’m trying to hold it inside, but it won’t

Subside and it grows, unless I can oppose it by fighting to own

What I’ve pridefully thrown to the side cause I’m prone to be private and closed

So, writing this tome where I’m highly exposed, helps lighten the load

Of the lies and loathing, the size of a boulder that’s tied to me

Hope l survive to be old and wiser, bestowed with the spite that I’m owed from

the life that I’ve broken — the price of atonement is dying alone

And I’m out of control — And I’m driving it home

Every wind in the road is the kind that erodes and behind me it’s broke

I stay alive going forward and hide from my ghosts

But this self-sabotage is a complex process where the conflict’s

Brought upon by my own impulsive thoughts and then I’m haunted at night by them

both

I was psyched to propose, so hyper with goals, and despite this he chose,

to incite a divorce

And reclined as a drone in his stifling work, then he cries in remorse

In a cycle of woe, it’s dividing my soul

And one side’s got to go — but i cannot decide if I’m the parasite or the host

Oh!

There’s something wrong in my head

That shouldn’t be there

I’m out of control

I’m out of control

I’m out of control

I’m out of control

Don’t ever change.

Don’t ever change

Cause it won’t change.

No it won’t change anyway

So you can stay the way you are

The way you are