Spoiler Alert -

I have a good friend who I talk to a lot

About books or movies or whatever’s hot

But lately she tells me that she’d rather not

Just because she ain’t seen 'em when I spill the plot

She says

«Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert

Like too much asparagus spoils your dessert

I want to discover this stuff by myself

I had no idea Mr. Smith was an elf.»

And he and Frodo jump into the Matrix, and meet Dumbledore the White

And this really hot babe named Trinity, who fights vampires with Wesley Snipes

Or Wolverine -- I can never keep those two straight…

It isn’t my fault I read faster than she

Or catch all the previews they show on TV

Or download the movies so fast the cops blanch

Or hack the computers at Skywalker Ranch

Okay, that one might be a little my fault

She says

«Spoiler alert, spoiler alert

Sit down and shut up or you’re gonna get hurt

I want to discover this stuff on my own

And it’s hard to strangle you over the phone.»

Leia’s his sister, and Vader’s his dad

What could I have said that would make her so mad?

Norman Bates' mom is dead, Bruce Willis is a ghost

And Jesus comes back three days after he’s toast

One day she came over, grinning with glee

And said «Now you’ll know how it feels to be me

I have here the pictures, the scripts and the proof

King Kong beats Godzilla, and that is the truth

And then Kong takes a grappling gun

And he shoots it up at the International Space Station

And he climbs up there, and he’s waving his arms around, bellowing

And he’s holding either Milla Jovavich, Tea Leoni, or Paris Hilton in a

skintight body suit

(Although it’s airless space so you can’t actually hear him bellowing

And she’s s’damn skinny you can’t tell it’s skintight)

And then Richard Hatch comes --

Not the Survivor guy but the good one --

And he and Starbucks offer Kong some Mocha Chocalatta Ya Ya

Which Kong bats away with one swipe of his mighty paw

And so they send up their ancient biplane Tie fighters

(Which don’t have computers so the Vorlons can’t control them)

And they shoot him down and he falls all the way to earth, lands on top of a

Zippo lighter factory

And Jack Black looks down and says

'It was Butane killed the beast'.»

Spoiler Alert, Spoiler Alert

I was wrong, I’m sorry, check out my hair shirt

I finally get it, I want to stay friends

And so I’m not telling you how this song