Love Thy Neighbor -

God says «Love thy neighbor»,

But he didn’t live next to mine,

The rotten jerks upstairs could tax

The patience of the divine.

At three a.m. they vacuum,

At dawn they hammer the walls,

At precisely eleven every night,

They juggle bowling balls.

They’ve run a bath and gone outside

And then locked themselves out,

The flooding that resulted cost me

Fifty bucks in grout.

She babysits six times a week, some

Spoiled noisy brats,

She feeds her yap dog broccoli,

And cheese to both her cats,

They blast the stereo, bang the doors,

He coughs, she wheezes, he smokes, she snores,

And what they do behind closed doors

You can buy on CD in Halloween stores.

Then one night they have a fight,

A lot of stuff gets thrown,

The front door slams and he drives off,

And now she’s all alone

I try to just roll over,

And finally get some sleep,

But then I hear her sobbing

And I feel like just a creep.

I go upstairs and hesitate

Before I finally knock

After a minute the door is opened,

I stand there in shock

'Cause she’s so hot I pinch myself

To see if I’m awake,

With eyes like a kicked puppy

Ohhh, man, this was a mistake.

I ask if anything is wrong,

She starts crying loud and long,

He lied, he cheated, same old song,

I wish she weren’t wearing a silk sarong…

Well, you can guess what happened next,

We started goin' out,

God said «Love thy neighbor», well,

I’m feeling more devout.

Of course we’ve had to compromise,

'Cause that’s what couples do,

I’ve told her that she has to finish

Vacuuming by two.

She still can juggle bowling balls,

But just four at a time.

The pets' exhaust is sweeter now, I

Feed 'em lemon-lime.

The kids are calm since I wired «Boohbah»

Straight into their heads,

And the toolbox has brand new locks and it’s

underneath my bed

When she takes a bath, she takes good care

But just in case, we always share,

When the new guy downstairs starts to swear,

I yell, «Why d’you think I moved out of there?»