Enter The Waffle - Tom Smith

NEWSCASTER

Our top story: All sixty members of the famed Hero League have vanished,

apparently into a trap sprung by their enemies.

Police say the League was

lured to Wimbledon by a fake charity event.

Details are sketchy.

Wimbledon officials were unavailable for comment…

ROBBER #1

Ladies and gents of First National Bank,

Since all of the heroes are gone, we

will pause here a moment to graciously thank

You all in advance for your money.

All right, in the bag!

C’mon!

ROBBER #2 I wouldn’t touch that alarm if I were you…

WAFFLE (GEORGE)

Well, you’re not me, so what are you going to do?

ROBBERS

Whoa!

What the???

WAFFLE

There’s still one hero left in this town,

Now put your hands up and put the guns down.

ROBBER #2

Wh- which first?

ROBBER #1

Shoot him, moron!

ROBBER #2

But he said --

ROBBER #1

Forget that!

Where’d he go?

WAFFLE

Over here!

Thought we’d have a nice chat.

ROBBER #2

I ain’t talkin' to you!

WAFFLE

If you put down the gun,

Then I promise I won’t make you

Eat it for fun.

ROBBER #1

Heck with this!

ROBBER #2

Run!

WAFFLE

Time for the Syrup Gun!

ROBBERS

… SYRUP Gun?!

Ewww!

Yech!

Gross!

And it’s one of those cheap brands, too!

WAFFLE

Mrs. Butterworth is a harsh mistress.

Officer!

ROBBER #2

That was my best shirt!

ROBBER #1

I want my lawyer, and a gallon of dishwashing liquid…

POLICEMAN

Thank you very kindly, Mr…

WAFFLE

Waffle.

BYSTANDERS

Waffle?

Waffle?

What the heck kinda hero name is that?

WAFFLE

Well, I couldn’t be «The Pancake»,

'Cause that would have been too silly,

And «The Breakfast Biscuit» doesn’t match my hat.

POLICEMAN

And so what is your power, Mister

Waffle?

BYSTANDERS

Waffle?

Waffle!

WAFFLE

I confuse and then abuse their minds, so frail.

BYSTANDER

Mental waves of indecision?

WAFFLE

Nah, snappy patter and derision,

I just baffle 'em, then WAFFLE!

They’re in jail.

POLICEMEAN

So let me get this straight -- you’re a comedic superhero?

WAFFLE

Well, I try to be a stand-up kinda guy.

BYSTANDER

How do you intimidate the ones not baffled or in fear?

WAFFLE

-- Oh,

I’ve been meaning to try out my battle cry!

Ahem: It’s Batterin' Time!

C’mon, work with me here.

*sigh*

Still, not too shabby for a guy with a Super Soaker filled with pancake syrup.

I did it.

I DID IT!

I did it, did it, did it!

I went out there and really stopped a crime!

They didn’t perforate my torso, I was scared but they were more so,

And I know that I’ll do better the second time.