Death By Wubbie -

Well, I hied me down to the Renaissance Faire,

For to have a fairish day.

There were lots of Renaissance Faire folk there,

Dressed in their special way.

There was Good King Richard in a golden crown,

His Good Queen Anne in a satin gown,

But as they went by, I was spun 'round…

And a wench grabbed my head, I was pulled face down

and shoved against two hot clammy mounds

Next thing I knew I was on the ground…

The paramedic looked apprehensive.

Death by Wubbie, a sad and awful fate,

Death by Wubbie, I hope you can relate,

They’re packaged by volume and by weight…

And every day is a freshness date.

As soon as I could without seeming rude,

I escaped those helpful folk,

And went looking for standard Renaissance food

Like nachos, pizza, and Coke.

I got a couple of Scottish eggs,

And one of those roasted turkey legs,

And a cup of coffee well past the dregs…

When the wench took my money, her eyes flashed green

And she bellowed «Twenty pounds for the queen!»

And she grabbed my hair and did something obscene…

I’m feeling a bit defensive.

Death by Wubbie, where everyone can see,

Death by Wubbie, thanks for the mammary,

And it’s not the cocker spaniel on MTV…

Though, right now, that sounds better to me.

When I was a horny teenaged boy

I never guessed one day

The idea of cleavage shoved in my face

Would make me run away

Two sweaty fleshy sacks of milk

With my head caught between

And it doesn’t help that my girlfriend thinks

It’s the funniest thing she’s seen.

The folks at the RenFaire sing and dance

and do their clever bits,

Getting paid to embarrass their audience

And sometimes they use innuendo.

From the Jousting Field to the Wenches' Well,

From the Blacksmith’s Forge to the Children’s Dell,

I was trapped in a very special hell…

Where big-breasted women in smelly robes

Trap my face against their heaving globes

They’re turning me into a RenFaire-phobe…

But Disney World’s too expensive.

Death by wubbie, I never will escape,

Death by wubbie, I can only gape,

If I did it to them, they’d be screaming rape…

And my girlfriend got it on video tape.