Getting Old Sucks - Sudden Death

It really sucks to get old, or so I was told

When I was growing up, now I’m watching it unfold

As I’m showing up for work where I have a broken chair

And some carpel tunnel syndrome from too much solitaire

I remember a time not long ago

When my hair was growing thicker on my head than in my nose

And my toes didn’t have any hair or weird dents

Now I’m poppin' Rolaids from a Pez dispenser

Everything hurts, or makes a funny noise

And now I have to pay for all of my own toys

And I avoid any physical exertion, I’m amazed

That the simplest tasks leave me sore for days

My prospects for walking get a little bit bleaker

As my butt gets larger and my knees get weaker

And I hate to admit it but it’s true

I pulled a muscle in my back while I was tying my shoe

Damn, it sucks to get old (huh?)

Damn, it sucks to get old (say what?)

Damn, it sucks to get old (huh?)

Damn, it sucks to get old (what?)

«I have no idea what he’s saying.

I can’t understand him one bit.

Can you?»

«No, I can’t stand him either.»

You know you’re getting old and things’ll never be the same

The day a little kid beats you in a video game

How they remember the moves and the combos and quirks

I’ll never know, but hey, I remember the Snorks

When I was a kid we didn’t have the internet

Which of course made porn a lot harder to get

And our cars didn’t have GPS we had a mess

Of a map that you couldn’t refold for crap

I used to stay out late on a date get drunk

As a skunk, stumble home, get up and feel great

Now, I’m home by eight to watch MacGyver

And the only thing I’m drinking is for supplemental fiber

Back then I would pretend I was Captain Kirk

Now I have a desk and I pretend to work

I don’t wanna be a kid again or even twenty-four again

But it would be nice if I could get up off the floor again

Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)

Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)

Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)

Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)

«Oh, so you can understand him now?»

«No, I’m just pretending to listen.

Like I do with my wife.»

«Back when I was a teenager, girls didn’t go around shaking their booty and

showing their boobs.

There was no Girls Gone Wild.

Oh God I’m depressed.»

«Back when I was a boy, video games only cost a quarter.

And all you were was a

dot who ate other dots.»

You begin to forget things like

Who you are, where you are, why you’re where you are

How’d you get to where you are, and where the Hell’d you park the car

And if you walk too far will you need some CPR?

How’d your life get so bizarre and how the Hell’d you get that scar

Your life becomes filled with more questions than answers

Like what happened to the Solid Gold dancers?

Should I get checked for cancer?

Do you know where

My pants are?

And what the Hell’s a «male enhancer?»

I don’t need fashion tips from gay men

'Cause finally some of my clothes are back in style again

So now I just need to be a little more svelte

And get rid of this gut that’s hanging over my belt

I’m checking out the hottie in the checkout line

Her name is Melanie, but it’s a felony for what I have in mind

That’s a plan that I don’t understand

How a thirty-something turns into a dirty old man, but

The worst feeling is the day you realize

Our elected officials are just spewing real lies

One is pure evil so you can’t vote for him

But the other one couldn’t teach a duck to swim

Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)

Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)

Damn, it sucks to get old (uh-huh)

Damn, it sucks to get old (yep)

«Back in my day Michael Jackson went on dates with Brooke Shields,

and he made the most fantastical music.

He was the King of Pop I tell ya!»

«In my day Yoda was a puppet.»