Cellular Degeneration - Sudden Death

I decided it was time for me to find a new phone

Correction, my two-year-old decided on her own

To see how many things could fit into the toilet one day

I lost my phone, keys, and glasses in the swirliest way

I looked for a deal that would appeal to me

I looked around and finally found a buy one get seven free

With free interplanetary calling daily after lunch

And more free minutes than there are in a month

A little camera takes pictures that it sends to all my friends

Thirty-five megapixels and a telephoto lense

3D and night vision are all standard I suppose

But I paid extra for the lense that lets me see through your clothes

I can use it as a remote to control my TV

And even download all my favorite songs as MP3

And the quality astounds, it’s in full surround sound

But I don’t know how to change the Hello Kitty background

GPS, email, and that stuff ain’t enough

This phone deflects bullets for when calling gets rough

It does just about anything at all

(pause)

But I can’t make a damn phone call!

Can you hear me now?

(sample: «What the hell did he say?»)

(repeat 6 times)

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

(Huh, What?)

It’s amazingly small but has all the latest tech

And attaches to my chest like they do on Star Trek

And you gotta check out the holographic display

It’s telepathic, pornographic, and will make you obey

Text messaging used to be a pain

But now it’s easy 'cause the words are pulled directly from my brain

And translated into any language thity-seven ways

And did I mention the protection against UV rays?

It keeps me online anywhere that I am

So I can download porn from in a traffic jam

And have the coolest chats where I pretend to be an elf

With an FBI agent who pretends he’s twelve

My ring tone catches most folks by surprise

Out of nowhere you hear (sample: «Smell my nipple, win a prize.»)

And it can make a sound that repels bugs

And if I turn it up I can drive my relatives nuts

I can call through time, I can talk to the dead

I can pretend that I’m a Borg and attach it to my head

I can play back every phone call I ever heard

(pause)

But I can’t understand a damn word!

Woman: «Thank you for calling Phonitron Global Wireless, a leader in cellular

technology.

How may I assist you today?»

You can start with this piece of --- phone you sold me

And --- up your --- along with everything you told me

You stupid mother--- think you’re all so slick

Well you --- can all just suck ---

And a ten year contract?!

What the --- is that ---

It’s ---, you can --- my left ---

Go --- yourself, and --- the horse you ---

--- you, --- boisenberry pie ---

Woman: «I'm sorry, sir.

You’re breaking up.

Please call back at a later time,

or try calling us back from a land line.»

AAARRRGGHHH!