Grandmother's Song - Steve Martin

Be courteous, kind and forgiving

Be gentle and peaceful each day

Be warm and human and grateful

And have a good thing to say

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike

Be witty and happy and wise

Be honest and love all your neighbors

Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus

Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent

Criticize things you don’t know about

Be oblong and have your knees removed

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive

Live in a swamp and be three dimensional

Put a live chicken in your underwear

Get all excited and go to a yawning festival

Be courteous, kind and forgiving

Be gentle and peaceful each day

Be warm and human and grateful

And have a good thing to say

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike

Be witty and happy and wise

Be honest and love all your neighbors

Be obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus

Be dull, and boring, and omnipresent

Criticize things you don’t know about

Be oblong and have your knees removed

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive

Live in a swamp and be three dimensional

Put a live chicken in your underwear

Go into a closet and suck eggs