Soap Opera - Rupert Holmes

There was a time when I saw myself a flood-lit figure on the stage

The Metropolitan Opera, the Daily Critic’s latest rage

But my voice went through a change about the same time as my skin

Now the opera is gone and what is left is getting awfully thin

There was a time when I saw myself a superstar upon the stage

In someone’s rock and roll opera, but then my throat began to age

And I wound up working nights with afternoons when I’m awake

So I watch the daily dramas as my life becomes a coffee break

Here’s the story up to date:

Shirley’s found another mate

Though she’ll wind up with her husband in the end

But her husband’s got no life

He can’t make it with his wife

Though his secretary’s more than just his friend

It’s a day-to-day routine and I watch the TV screen

Letting Bob and Shirley live my life for me

It’s an opera made of soap using other people’s hope

And tomorrow’s show ain’t soon enough for me

There was a time when I saw myself a clean-cut cowboy on the screen

A spurs-and-saddle horse opera, but that’s a long-forgotten dream

So I watch Let’s Make a Deal and win the jackpot in my brain

Then it’s time to watch the show that’s got my cerebellum half insane

Here’s the story down to earth:

Shirley’s finally given birth

She’s been carrying the baby for a year

Though it don’t belong to Bob

Who’s been fired from his job as a surgeon

'Cause he’s got this sudden fear

He can’t stand the sight of blood

Meanwhile Shirley’s mining Judd

Who’s the father of the kid but he won’t give

And tomorrow’s show will say what they left out yesterday

And that gives me one good reason I should live

Here’s the story in a shell:

Bobby’s mind is shot to hell

'Cause he can’t recall his name or how he feels

He’s a lost amnesiac

While his wife is in the back of her station wagon notching up her heels

Meanwhile Bob’s assistant nurse has some poison in her purse

And she’s gonna slip into Shirley’s soup

Good old Judd thought up the scheme

Good old Judd is Shirley’s dream

But old Judd don’t want to share her chicken coop

And the nurse would like to keep Shirley’s body six feet deep in her grave

And chase him to the Baltic Sea

For she sees herself his wife to poor Bob

Who’s found a life as a farmer since he lost his memory

So to give a resume:

Bobby’s bailing up the hay

While his wife is in the straw with Bill and Fred

But she don’t feel great inside

It’s that dose of cyanide that the nurse and Judd will feed her til she’s dead

There’s a baby who just grew fifteen years in only two

And she has her eyes on Judd who is her dad

But of course she can’t know that

She just knows just where it’s at

As her mother says, «It's good to be so glad.»