The Baptism of Stumpy Brown - Ray Stevens

The day we baptized ol' Stumpy Brown

The river was so full and fast the poor man nearly drowned

We’d never had a baptismal service of that kind

That day ol' Stumpy left much more than his old life behind

Now Stumpy Brown was a veteran of many a foreign war

He lived a rowdy life, never gave his heart to God before

But when he reached his 90s, that old heart grew tender

And one stormy Sunday morning he came forward and surrendered

Now the preacher said we’ll baptize you next Sunday in the river

But Stumpy said as old as I am Rev, it’s gotta be now or never

Now the river was a torrent and the Preacher said think about this again

But Stumpy grabbed him by the hand, said come on Rev, we’re goin' in

The day we baptized ol' Stumpy Brown

The river was so full and fast the poor man nearly drowned

We’d never had a baptismal service of that kind

That day ol' Stumpy left much more than his old life behind

Well, the preacher plunged him 'neath the flood and a brand new man arose

But ol' Stumpy left more than his old man in that river heaven knows

He left his uppers and his lowers, his checkbook, credit cards

Yeah, a wad of bills, arthritis pills and the keys to both his cars

Glasses, toupee, but the thing I most recall

Is waving back to his artificial arms that went over the falls

Well, he paddled from the river and knelt there on the bank

We thought it was to praise the Lord and to stop and offer thanks

Then he finally yelled come help me, are ya gonna make me beg

Oh can’t you see I can’t get up, I’ve lost my wooden leg

The day we baptized ol' Stumpy Brown

Yeah, the river was so full and fast the poor man nearly drowned

We’d never seen a baptismal service of that kind

That day ol' Stumpy left much more than his old life behind