Medical Love Song - Monty Python

Inflammation of the foreskin

Reminds me of your smile

I’ve had balanital chancroids

For quite a little while

I gave my heart to NSU (Non-Specific Urethritis)

That lovely night in June

I ache for you, my darling

And I hope you’ll get well soon

My penile warts, your herpes

My syphilitic sore

Your monilial infection

How I miss you more and more

Your dobies itch my scrum-pox

Ah, lovely gonorrhea

At least we both were lying

When we said that we were clear

Our syphilitic kisses

Sealed the secret of our tryst

You gave me scrotal pustules

With a quick flick of your wrist

Your trichovaginitis

Sent shivers down my spine

I got snail tracks in my anus

When your spirochetes met mine

Gonococcal urethritis

Streptococcal balanitis

Meningomyelitis

Diplococcal catholitis

Epidydimitis

Interstitial keratitis

Syphilitic coronitis

And anterior ureitis

My clapped-out genitalia

Is not so bad for me

As the complete and utter failure

Every time I try to pee

My doctor says my buboes

Are the worst he’s ever seen

My scrotum’s painted orange

And my balls are turning green

My heart is very tender

Though my parts are awful raw

You might have been infected

But you never were a bore

I’m dying of your love, my love

I’m your spirochaetal clown

I’ve left my body to science

But I’m afraid they’ve turned it down

Gonococcal urethritis

Streptococcal balanitis

Meningomyelitis

Diplococcal catholitis

Epidydimitis

Interstitial keratitis

Syphilitic coronitis

And anterior ureitis