The Cheque's in the Post - Momus

Me and my lawyer sat down and worked out

The full cost of the wrongs I have done you

And I’m sending the money to you

The cheque’s in the post

For giving you hell

When I should have been treating you well

Reparation: 500 £5 notes in a roll

For remarks about your weight

For complaining when you were late

Compensation: £2000, the going rate

For the times we were out

And my eye kept roving about

Settling on younger women

Fifteen hundred, say it’s forgiven

Running total: £6 350

With tax added on

And that’s Just the end of verse one

For attacking your superstition

Your pantheistic new age religion

Say the sum of £1797

When I said your new dress wasn’t splendid

When I told you the way the film ended

I know I was wrong: accept this token

And for passing the pictures I’d taken

Of your body totally naked

Around our friends

Let’s call it a round £9 000

Running total: £24 063

On its way to you

And this is just the end of verse two

Me and my lawyer sat down and worked out

The real cost of the wrongs I have done you

And I’m sending the money to you

The cheque’s in the post

And for my next indiscretion

When we had sex on the floor of the kitchen

I sang it in a song -- accept 10 000 -- make that 11 000 pounds

And for failing to give enough time

To the baby that could have been mine

It’s not that I don’t care

My love it’s just so hard to find a figure

Worst of all I stopped loving your body

Making you feel so low

Though my lawyer says no blame can be apportioned

For circumstances beyond my control

So now I’m all paid up

And absolved from this guilt

I’m going to get another girl in

Under my quilt

And run up

Another massive debt

Hail Mary, pray for me now

Now and at the hour of my death