Lena Beamish - Miranda July

LENA?

I see the blood

PATRICK?

I see the blood

AND MARTIN?

I see the blood

And what does it feel like to bleed, I mean it doesn’t hurt, right?

LENA?

It feels wet

PATRICK?

It feels wet

AND MARTIN?

It feels wet

Oh I bet it does!

And d’you think you do more daredevil stunts than you would

if you could feel pain?

LENA?

Yes I’m a real daredevil sir

PATRICK?

Yes I’m a real daredevil sir

AND MARTIN?

Yes I’m a real daredevil sir

I’m sure you are!

Okay kids, now in all honesty, knowing you have this unfair

advantage, have you ever placed a bet on a dangerous stunt, just to make a buck?

LENA?

Yes sir I’m afraid I have

PATRICK?

Yes sir I’m afraid I have

AND MARTIN?

Yes sir I’m afraid I have

Oh I guess it wouldn’t do any good to spank you, would it?

No sir

No sir

No sir

Okay now we’ve rigged a harmless little experiment to prove to some of our most

skeptical audience members that you kids truly have no sensation of physical

pain.

Each of the children’s chairs has been wired with an electro-shock

apparatus.

The shock causes an intense temporary pain, the kind of pain that

would cause most of us to yell or scream out.

Okay then, here we go!

Two… three… four…

LENA?

PATRICK?

AND MARTIN?

Martin?

Martin flinched!

Well, I’m sure this comes as a great surprise to our

viewing audience, I know I’m surprised!

Are you surprised Lena?

Very surprised sir

PATRICK?

Very surprised sir

AND MARTIN?

I’m sorry I didn’t know how to tell you

LENA?

We thought you were like us

PATRICK?

Yes we thought you were like us

AND MARTIN?

I am, I’m a daredevil

LENA?

But it’s not the same!

PATRICK?

No it’s not the same anymore!

AND MARTIN?

But what’s the difference if nobody knows?

LENA?

We’re on TV, everybody knows!

PATRICK?

Yes everybody knows!

AND MARTIN?

But I can do the stunts!

LENA?

Martin, we’re not three anymore!

PATRICK?

Yes it’s not good if we’re not three!

AND MARTIN?

But I can burn without screaming!

LENA?

But if it hurts there’s no trick!

PATRICK?

Yes there’s no trick if it hurts!

AND MARTIN?

Well it’s a different sort of trick

LENA?

It’s boring trick!

PATRICK?

Yes it’s a boring trick!

AND MARTIN?

It’s a good trick!

LENA?

But Martin, there’s no magic in two!

PATRICK?

There’s no magic!

magic!

magic!

huh!

There’s no magic in two,

only in three!

three!

three!

three!

But… but hello there young Patrick!

Patrick?

Are you feeling okay?

LENA?

Would you have a 9V battery sir?

Martin, did you bring the charger?

PATRICK?

Three!

three!

No. I. Am.

Sorry.

Lena.

Na.

Na.

Na.

AND MARTIN?

I forgot to recharge him, Lena, I just totally forgot!

Forgot to recharge him?

Well it’ll be!

Folks, it looks like we’ve been taken

for a ride.

Kids I think you owe our viewing audience an explanation

LENA?

It wasn’t all my fault, Martin built him!

PATRICK?

Na.

Na.

Ah.

I. Am.

Patrick.

Trick.

Trick.

Trick.

AND MARTIN?

I was just doing what Lena told me to!

LENA?

Well… it was no good with just me and Martin, there had to be three of us!

Three of you, eh?

Well you’ll have to count Patrick out because he’s not a real

boy!

LENA?

Yes but nobody will remember

And Martin failed the test so

LENA?

Yes but nobody will remember

So you’re actually the only one who can’t feel pain?

LENA?

Yes but it’s no good being just one.

One of anything is a terrible thing

to be, but two of the same thing is twins.

So I said to my brother Martin,

will you pretend to be like me?

I’m gonna ask you «do you feel pain»

and you say «no» and I said «do you feel pain» and he said «no»

and then we were twins!

And we practiced our daredevils stunts all day long,

like burning without screaming, and crossing without looking, and watching TV,

and slamming the door on our hands again, ha!

again, ha!

again, ha!

But it was no good.

There’s no magic trick in two.

But three’s a charm.

And plus there’s money in three.

We are children, we need lots and lots of

money for our little children’s games.

So Martin built Patrick.

Patrick takes a

9V battery and he truly can’t feel it, he isn’t a faker like Martin,

no offense Martin!

Martin built Patrick.

And Patrick is just like me.

We don’t feel it…

LENA?

Yes sir

PATRICK?

Yes sir

AND MARTIN?

Sir

LENA?

Sir

PATRICK?

Sir

AND LENA?

Huh

LENA?

Huh

LENA?

Huh, du

AND LENA?

Du du du, du la du la du…