Isn't It Beautiful? - McCafferty

And we were all at Matt’s house

In the basement

Hanging out

And getting drunk

We took the blood

From both our fingers

And pressed it on our tongues

We’re in the forest

With the trees

And this is so much history

But what about my history

Coward

I don’t know what to tell you man

Those jokes are three years old

And I didn’t know anyone was uncomfortable

Yeah well I hope you and your fucking kids starve man

And I hope that Wes fucking dies in a car crash

And how about I fucking trash his bar

So you guys can’t make anything else

Because you guys think you’re fucking better than me

And I am not out of line

She said that I cannot identify with a band

Unless I know everything

About their lead singer

What does he look like

What are his motives

She said that he hates her

Said that he hit her

And I will be the first to admit

That there is something wrong inside of my brain

My bipolar makes me feel foggy

And I am develop mentally delayed

And sometimes I lash out

And I hit

Like a child who was taught not to hit

But I know I am better than that

So I have been in rehabilitation and therapy

It’s hard for me to feel like I’m growing

When I read all of these things online

But I know maturity is the journey

And hail Satan I have arrived

I’ve let my mental illness define

The last 10 years of my life

In social circles that were bad for me

Acting out and fighting online

I hate when people say they have mental illness

But they still know how to act

I think they think that they can fool you

With bravery and judgement and fact

I am happy that all my personal struggles

Have been aired out for you all to see

Because the choice to accept mental illness

Is no longer just up to me

It is up to you to see what I’ve done

Under the microscope

My entire life

Narcissistic mentally

When I see people coming

And try to define

My complicated spirit

And my complicated soul

I am mentally unwell

But like you I have a soul

And I am not the person that they say I am

But those parts of me exist

They are toxic

They are evil

I’m disgusted

Just like him

And I abused my medication

And I lied and said I’m fine

But I was angry

Saying faggot behind closed doors and still online

And I could talk about the suicide attempts I’ve had

Since everything went up

And the four weeks I spent hospitalized

But you would tell me that it’s not enough

So what exactly is enough

How much hate does it take

To fix an abusers mental state

And mind

To make sure that at the same time

He gets his

And we talk about accountability

And what that looks like individually

So let me own up

Right here right now

And say I take full accountability

For being toxic

And abusive

And misleading with my life

And for anger that we pray for

When I cry for you at night

And you know you don’t forgive

And I know you won’t forget

And I’m glad you all feel better

For the things that you said

And I am sorry for the pain

And the things that I have said

And the people that I threatened

And I still wish that I was dead

And if I had a normal brain

Then everything would be the same

But I don’t

I’m writing this letter to apologize

To everyone I hurt

I wish I could take back the things I have said and done

But I am unable

I found out recently

That I have BPD

And that doesn’t excuse my actions

But it’s quite the opposite

I am ashamed at my lack of maturity

To fall through with enough doctors and medication

And I lied when I said I was on a path to recovery

I was actually on a downwards spiral

Abusing Xanax and those who were close to me

And those people from Medina

Know I’m mentally ill

But they set the precedence that I was not

Which is my fault

I know that the best thing for my family and my future

Is to step away from music and the public eye

And I had this sickening drive to succeed

And I was insanely jealous

Of bands like The Front Bottoms

But that’s the 18 year old me

I never grew out of being

So let me transition now

Into being an adult

I’m speaking to my daughter and my wife

And I want you to know

How beautiful you are

And how I lay awake at night

Studying how I can become a better man

And separate myself from the things that are bad for me

And I love you more than fall loves autumn leaves

And I love the idea

Of leaving McCafferty behind

And that’s exactly what I’m doing

Right here

Right now

There are many lessons I have learned from my journey

And when I look back at it

Those lessons take time and pain to set in

I am sorry to everyone

For my lack of social skills

And making people uncomfortable

And I wanna thank everyone who has listened

If you are someone

With a past that you regret

Let these words be your safe place

I’m done