Making Things up Again - Lewis Cleale, Brian Sears, John Eric Parker

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

And 'lo the Lord said unto the Nephites, 'I, uh, I know you’re really depressed,

well, with all your AIDS and everything.

But there’s an answer in Christ

AFRICAN WOMAN

You see, this book CAN help us

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

I just told a lie

No, wait, I didn’t lie…

I just used my imagination

And it worked!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM’S FATHER

You’re making things up again, Arnold.

(But it worked, Dad!)

You’re stretching the truth again, and you know it —

JOSEPH SMITH

Don’t be a fibbing Fran, Arnold.

(Joseph Smith?)

SMITH & DAD

Because a lie is a lie.

(It's not a lie!)

You’re making things up again, Arnold!

(Oh conscience!)

You’re taking the holy word and adding fiction!

Be careful how you proceed, Arnold

When you fib, there’s a price

MIDDALA

Ahh, this is bullshit!

The story that I have been told is that the way to cure

AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin!

I’m going to go and rape a baby!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

WHAT!!!

OH MY — NO!

You can’t do that!

NO!!!

MIDDALA

Why not?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

Because that is DEFINITELY against God’s will!

MIDDALA

Says who?!

Where in that book of yours does it say anything about sleeping with

a baby, huh?!

Nowhere!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

Uh, behold, the Lord said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith, 'You shall not

have sex with that infant.!'

LO!

Joseph said, 'Why not Lord?

Huh?

Why not?

' And the Lord said, 'If you lay with that infant you shall… Pghwwwww…

burn in the fiery pits of Mordor

MIDDALA

Really?

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

Uh huh… uh huh.

'A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith — I shall give

unto you a… a FROG!'…And thus Joseph laid with the frog and his AIDS was no

more!

(Ohhhhh…)

You’re making things up again, Arnold

You’re recklessly warping the words of Jesus!

You can’t just say what you want, Arnold.

(Come on, Hobbits!)

You’re digging yourself a deep hole

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

I’m making things up again, kind of!

But this time it’s helping a dozen people!

It’s nothing so bad because this time —

I’m not committing a sin just by making things up again, right?!

(No!)

AFRICAN WOMAN

Elder Cunningham!

You have to stop him!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

What?

What is it?

AFRICAN WOMAN

Gotswana is going to cut off his daughter’s clitoris!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

Hah?!

AFRICAN MAN

This is all very interesting, but women have to be circumcised if that’s what

the General wants!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

No, doing that to a lady is definitely against Christ’s will!

AFRICAN MAN

How do you know?

Christ never said nothin' about no clitoris!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

YES!

Yes he did!

In ancient New York, three men were about to cut off a Mormon

woman’s clitoris!

But right before they did — Jesus had Boba Fett turn them

into frogs!

AFRICAN MAN

Frogs?

AFRICAN WOMAN

You mean like the frogs that got fucked by Joseph Smith!

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

Riiight!

Right!

Like those frogs!

For a clitoris is holy among all things,

said he!

You’re making things up again, Arnold.

(We're learning the truth!)

You’re taking the holy word and adding fiction!

(The truth about God.)

Be careful how you proceed, Arnold

When you fib, there’s a price.

(We're going to paradise.)

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

Who would have thought I’d have this magic touch?

Who’d’ve believed I could man up this much?

I’m talking, they’re listening, my stories are glistening

I’m gonna save them all with this stuff!

You’re making things up again, Arnold!

(Elder Cunningham!)

You’re making things up again, Arnold!

(Holy prophet man!)

You’re making things up again, Arnold.

(Our savior!)

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

You’re making things up again…

Hmm, up again making things you are —

ELDER CUNNINGHAM

I know…