Bastard - John Askew

If you are Obsessive- Compulsive,

press 1 repeatedly…

If you are co- dependent,

ask someone to press 2 for you…

If you have multiple personalities,

press 3, 4, 5 and 6…

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,

stay on the line so we can trace your call…

If you are delusional,

press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship…

If you are schizophrenic,

listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press…

If you are Depressive,

it doesn’t matter which number you press,

no one will answer you…

If you are dyslexic,

press 69 696 969…

If you have a nervous disorder,

please fidget with the hash key until the beep after the beep, please wait for

the beep…

If you have short-term memory loss,

please try your call again later

and if you have low self-esteem, hang up, all operators are too busy to talk to

you…