IQ 5000 - Joe

She gave it all-

I stole my mom’s inheritance money

She gave it all to my other siblings

I don’t feel bad about it, she died

She actually died

I paper cut my urethra

I eat my own hair after I shave it off when I haven’t washed it for two months

I drink grease off of my- my sweaty uncle’s back

I kiss people with Ebola

I give myself giant splinters on purpose

(What'd you say?)

I suck on the school doorknobs

I suck my own fingers after digging in fertilizer

I lost my virginity to a trombone

I use hand sanitizer as lube

I wipe my butt with Clorox disinfectant wipes

I Lysol my open wounds

I drink rubbing alcohol

Yeah, gottem

I consume the ashes in Chernobyl

I mix my Grandma’s ashes with lemonade

I go digging through the trash at the local hospital for used tissues

And I eat them

I haven’t washed my underwear in two years

I slit my wrists and drink the blood

I have a fetish for eating sharp metal objects

I thumbtack my eyes

I put thumbtacks down my urethra

I cut open my own arteries and let it bleed out

I am suicidal