For a Limited Time Only - Jam Baxter

'This man has a secret he hides from his family

An overwhelming desire for the crumbly crispness

The subtle flavour of Simmers Rice Biscuits'

'Really darling, electricity costs money!

But what’s the use of having nice

skin if nobody can see it?'

'His wife discovered Simmers Rice Biscuits long ago, have you?'

'For the fresh clear skin you’re meant to have, trust the purest toilet soap

possible'

Yeah, urgent appeal from a drowsy drunk

For just three pounds a month

You could provide me just enough water

To find your saviour and drown the cunt

Sale starts Monday

Stand out from the crowd with a mound of junk

Our dedicated team are on hand daily to sell your baby an ounce of punk

Coming soon to a city near you

For just fourteen ninety-nine

This sweltering mass of electrified cables

Can jump start your new life of crime

Smother your face in our brand new fragrance

Bathe yourself in the fountain of payments

This Easter, please spare a thought for my dwindling patience

Brand new for your cupboards: spoilt milk tailored for poor mothers

Research suggests our cream can make your life 95 percent more butters

Have you been wasted for four summers?

Surviving on cider and raw uppers

Yeah, call our store our spiralling eyeballs come in all colours

Have you tried our incredible sputum

Shakily tested and chemically proven

To smoothen the wrinkling head of a human

Renders age a pathetic illusion

Gargle this light brown soup

Here at the Eye Gouge Group we’re committed to providing a service

To leave you blissfully blind

Lie down troops, lie down troops, lie down troops

Enlist now be the best

Start a career in dealing death

Become a one-legged old bleeding mess

If you only call one number today

Before your fingers crumble away

Before these buildings rust and decay

And your clutching a nostril encrusted in K

Please make it ours

Two for one deals on brains in jars

Count your coins, we proudly present our

Brand new extensive range of parts

Wake up, roll up, feast your eyes

Join up now for a free surprise

This flick knife comes with a whole bag of drama

A getaway car and a free disguise

Our brand new formula greases the palms

Of your well dressed torturer

Comes recommended by your top sadist

Gassed at the thought of your unspoilt faces

Sign up here

Free ten pound bet

Drain your accounts and consolidate all your remaining debt

'If we call just show us a large Daz packet, answer a simple question correctly

And you win five pounds!

If you have two large or one giant-size,

you can win ten pounds!'

'Is your date afraid of lights?

No I am, with this ghastly skin, I’m always washing like you told me

But even my super new perfume soap hasn’t helped'

'Scotch Perkins, by Simmers.

Full of goodness, full of ginger and spice and all

things nice'

Shit, how long had I been watching these?

How long had I been staring at billboards

Feeding my coins into slot machines

I never clocked it was possible to puke for 20 months straight

You should’ve told me, I stubbed out my rolly

Something in the air made the room seem mouldy

Stare out coldly

Belled my bredrin, paid him a visit

The rain seems strangely acidic

I’m not sure why the burning sensation was vaguely idyllic

By the time I sank my last bevvy

My jingling wallet felt so darn heavy

By the time I reached the end of my street

I’d somehow squandered every last penny

Every last penny, every last penny, every last penny

Dog food, dish cloth, mouthwash, Henny

Every trace of the Queen’s face ripped into one cascade of confetti

I got yard sat down sank deep in my seat and switched on the telly

'And here’s another exciting thing to look out for!

Our squires are already putting this leaflet through almost every door!

It gives you an extra chance of winning the same big prizes'

'Get Fairy Snow for extra white clothes.

Fairy Snow forces grey out — forces

white in'

'Don't miss this great chance to win big prizes, and remember: Daz washes so

white you can see the difference'

'Extra creamy and to pamper the palate pour Carnation over the pudding too'

'It's delicious'

'It's delicious'

'It's delicious'…