I Stayed Off Work Today - Jake Thackray

I stayed off work all day the day I met you, darling, and instead

We spent the morning in the park and the afternoon in bed

But by the teatime we were hungry, I went to shop for you

The butcher took a fiver for a porterhouse for two

I’ll be blowed!

I’ll be blowed!

The butcher was a twister!

I’ll be damned!

I’ll be damned!

He only gave us change of a quid

I was done, I was done:

The porterhouse was brisket

He says: 'Open up your eyes,' he says

«And learn to do as I did.»

'Open up your eyes,' he says

'And learn to do as I did.'

They can do me, do me, darling;

I have nothing else to lose

Him and his poxy porterhouse can cheat me if they choose

They can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do;

The pussyfooting butcherman would laugh aloud if he knew

That since you took my eyes, they do not do as others' do

The day before your birthday I was miserably broke

Mooching up a ginnel, when this military bloke

Comes up and says he’ll give us a sub to buy a flower or two for you

He hands me down a shilling and I signs an I.O.U

I’ll be blowed!

I’ll be blowed!

The soldier was a scoundrel!

I’ll be damned!

I’ll be damned!

And the shilling was a dud

I was done, I was done:

I’d joined the sodding army

'With a rifle in your hand,' he says

'You'll do as everyone would

A rifle in your hand and you

Will do as everyone would.'

They can do me, do me, darling;

I have nothing else to lose

Him and his piffling rifle can dragoon me if they choose

They can do me, do me, darling, they can do me as they do;

The scoundrel of a corporal would chuckle if he knew

That since you held my hand it does not do as others' do

I was trained at scaling obstacles and marching every day

I got good enough to scale the barracks wall and march away

But the bloodhounds came and got me and they said, if I confessed

The justice of the peace would smile on me and do his best

I’ll be blowed!

I’ll be blowed!

The magistrate was bogey!

I’ll be damned!

I’ll be damned!

He usually gave a year or two

I was done, I was done:

He did his best and gave me twenty

'With a chain about your feet,' he says

'You'll do as others do

A chain about your feet,' he says

'Now do as others do.'

They can do me, do me, darling;

I have nothing else to lose

Him and his pettifoggery can shackle me if they choose

They can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do;

The tricky old juridical would snicker if he knew

That since you kissed my feet they do not do as others' do

A bishop came to see me as I languished in the cell;

Give us a blessing and asked if I was short of anything else

And I said that I was thirsty so he went and got a cup;

Looks at me and nods and I politely drink it up

I’ll be blowed!

I’ll be blowed!

The bishop was a rascal!

I’ll be damned!

I’ll be damned!

And him a bishop if you please

I was done, I was done:

In the cup was holy water

'You're a Christian, now, you are,' he says

'So down upon your knees

Now a proper Christian, so down upon your knees.'

They can do me, do me, darling;

I have nothing else to lose

Him and his holy water trick can save me if they choose

They can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do;

The rascally episcopal would giggle if he knew

That since you touched my knees they do not do as others' do

And then a bony angel, with a hammer and some wings

Came and said that I could see you again if I went to live with him

So I said yes, and so he hit me with his hammer a time or two;

He took me to his mansion, on the doorstep there was you

I’ll be blowed!

I’ll be blowed!

The angel was a bounder!

I’ll be damned!

I’ll be damned!

He took you up the stairs

I was done, I was done:

He threw me down the boilerhouse

'There's one born every minute,' he says

'We keep 'em all in there

One born every minute" he says

'And we keep 'em all down there.'

They can do me, do me, darling;

I have nothing else to lose

Him and his crematorium can grill me if they choose

They can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do

The dangerous old angelface would frown a bit if he knew

That since you took me in I do not do as others do