Santa Claus Is Coming With Guns - J Pee

Hello little Timmy

I have your Christmas List

Here in my sack is your every wish

You want a new dirt-bike and a jet-ski

Love and safety for your family

Timmy, you’re so thoughtful

OMG

That’s why you need a

GUN!

Cuz you need to protect your family Timmy

People are out to kill you

GUN!

If you love them like you say you do

This is the gift for you

GUN!

The only way to stop bad guys with guns

Is good guys with

GUNS!

And you’re a good guy, Timmy

So you need one!

Hello little Sarah

You seem like a sweet girl

Thank you for the cookies

Your baking is

NUTS!

I see on your list

You like education

Brand new backpack and a calculator

I think school is great, don’t get me wrong

But Sarah

Books will not protect you from a

GUN!

Cuz your classmates are fucking crazy

And all of them have guns

That’s why I bought you an AK for your safety

So you’ll never have to run

GUN!

Your great, great, great grandfather died so you could have one

GUN!

If you don’t like freedom you can get on a boat back to ENGLAND!

Hello little Jamie

What a lovely first name

Are you a boy or a girl?

How androgynous!

It says that you want tickets to the cinema

I wouldn’t recommend that without a

SNIPER!

Cuz these lunatics hate movies

Cuz they never had a date night

SNIPER!

Sit in the very back row please

Watch the movie through the scope!

Hello little Teddy

You have a house to defend

I give you man’s best friend

RIFLE!

RIFLE!

RIFLE!

RIFLE!

Mommy, you get an uzi

Daddy, you get a Glock

Grandma, it’s a cold war outside

You better bundle up