Trauma - Homeboy Sandman

I got trauma from my momma

She used to beat me down as if she was the brown bomber

I couldn’t figure out a way to make her feel calmer

I think about it now it kinda make me feel somber

I used to think about it didn’t make me feel nothing

Acting like it mattered didn’t make me feel tough and

Feeling tough was really like my #1 focus

From growing up in a city lots of people feel hopeless

And listening to music about sex and violence

Just a matter of time 'fore we was like «let's try this»

Started having sex when I was 12 years old

My brain wasn’t ven done growing

Coming from a mom that used to wild and bug

‘For i was a teen I really needed that love

2 years later she would dump me for senior

Solidifying my misogynist demeanor

Hearts that young aren’t meant to be broken

Later on I’d get into incessant weed smoking

Now at 39 I still be wishing and hoping

Somehow we wind up together I am not joking

But lemme take it back before my parents got hitched

My pop was with a woman then that had it all wrong

By 5 years old i would already think about sex

She used to let me hump her legs when he was gone

I know that sounds mad

Under the sheets, rubbing my crotch against her calves

I realize now I always knew that it was something bad

‘Cause up until this song I always kept it from my dad

But how come any 5 year old would wanna hump legs?

I just might have to owe that to my neighbor next door

He was a little older and a little more mature

My mother caught us playing doctor I was only 4

Luckily she caught us ‘fore we started using mouths

But not before I found out how it felt to get aroused

Now I think about it as a grown intellectual

Life as a shortie shouldn’t be so sexual

I also shoulda never had to lie to BCS

That type of thing could really bring a kid a lot of stress

My mom had trauma too so she was only doing her best

I feared that they were gonna take me out of my address

No wonder my relationships with women always fail

What’s crazy is I’m lucky ‘cause at least I’m not in jail

Compared to everybody else I had it so easy

Got family that was touched up by uncles that’s so sleazy

Won’t put they business in the street ‘cause they know who they are

The question I have trouble answering is who am I?

For almost 40 years I was afraid to even ask

My father always taught me men are not supposed to cry

So every bit of pain I ever had I locked away

But now I’m here to let you know that that is not the way

I thought that I had tricked myself, thought I was being slick

That fantasy departed when I started getting sick

The doctors couldn’t tell me any way to make it stop

My soul was under too much pressure it was gonna pop

It turned out that the only way that I could ever heal

Is start to work through all the trauma I had kept concealed

It hasn’t happened overnight

I know that it might take a while

May even take a life

But one way or another I just gotta make it right

Right?