Solitude - Hollow Heart

Explaining My Depression to My Mother: A Conversation

Mom, my depression is a shape shifter

One day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear

The next, it’s the bear

On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone

I call the bad days: «the Dark Days.»

Mom says, «Try lighting candles.»

When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame

Sparks of a memory younger than noon

I am standing beside her open casket

It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die

Besides Mom, I’m not afraid of the dark

Perhaps, that’s part of the problem

Mom says, «I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.»

I can’t

Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head

Mom says, «Where did anxiety come from?»

Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out-of-town depression felt obligated to

bring to the party

Mom, I am the party

Only I am a party I don’t want to be at

Mom says, «Why don’t you try going to actual parties, see your friends?»

Sure, I make plans.

I make plans but I don’t want to go

I make plans because I know I should want to go.

I know sometimes I would have

wanted to go

It’s just not that fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun, Mom

You see, Mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the

kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light

Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company

Mom says, «Try counting sheep.»

But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake;

So I go for walks;

but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in

strong arms with loose wrists

They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me I am sleepwalking on

an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in

Mom says, «Happy is a decision.»

But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg

My happy is a high fever that will break

Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat-out asks

me if I am afraid of dying

No

I am afraid of living

You will never remember my face

For I am nothing to you

I have sacrificed my whole life

Into thinking I was something more than worthless