Values (How Much Is That Dog Crap in the Window?) - George Carlin

The whole revolution is about values.

Values of any kind, y'know?

What you'll do for ten dollars;

what you'll do with ten dollars.

It all comes down to values;

what you value and how much.

And,

uh, I often think of that.

'Cause you can buy anything in this country.

Businessmen are the ones

who really, like, kinda got this country where it is in both ways, in both the positive and the

negative, man.

They did... the businessman.

'Cause there's no morality in business.

Just a ledger.

Keep it in the black.

Show a profit-(staccato) Keep it in the black - keep it in the black.

Never

mind your soul.

Never mind the landscape.

Never mind the other guy.

Keep it in the black-keep it

in the black-do what you can-keep it in the black.

BUSINESS AS USUAL GOING ON!

Big plywood

up there.

BUSINESS AS USUAL!

Businessman did it.

That's right.

You can buy anything in this

country.

Anything you can think of!

You can probably buy a left nostril inhaler if you look around

long enough... .

With your state motto on it... Glows in the dark- anything, man.

If you nail

together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it from

you, man.

"Yeah, give you a dollar and a half for that."

Yeah, anything at all.

Values.

Often think of that... when I go past the novelty store.

You know the novelty store- tricks, jokes, fun.

Fool your friends.

They sell, uh, the dribble glass... joy buzzer... whoopee cushion -

called 'poo-poo' cushion in the larger towns.

You put it down- PPPTT!

"Hey! Phil farted! Ha ha ha

ha ha!" It's very big with the Shriners and American Legion are into those things. They're a little

retentive anyway, so why not.

Let 'em have it.

A lotta things for sale in that store, y'know?

They

have a fly in an ice cube... snake matches, pepper gum, cigarette loads.

Big thumb with a lotta

bruises on it.

There's a great one.

They also sell fake food... which really knocks me out.

Got

rubber hot dogs, plastic fried eggs.

The ones I saw were made in Austria.

Imagine that - imported

plastic fried eggs, wow.

Plastic Swiss cheese.

They have a little foam rubber sandwich with a bite

missing from it.

I often wonder how hungry people feel when they walk past.

Guys that don't

have lunch money together, man.

Goin' past the novelty store - "Wow, that'd be salty. I'd be

ready for a little trashing right away, y'know?" Start there.

That's not the biggest insult.

The biggest insult however, is the, uh, ...the fake vomit.

Imagine

that - artificial vomit, wow.

Some people can't scrape real vomit together, man.

Guys are

ordering three dozen vomit on the phone, man.

I've seen a couple different brand names on

that.

One of 'em's called "Glop".

Another one is "Whoops!"

Isn't that great - 'whoops!'

Tells you

where to use it, too.

They have little hints on a piece of cardboard.

It's stapled to a piece of

cardboard and it tells you where to use it.

"On the car seat" ... There's a good one.

"On the

sidewalk", naturally. "Bathroom floor" they suggest there.

The one that knocks me out is "near the refrigerator".

It's so strange 'cause some, some grown

person had to think of that!

Some guy was at work one day and said, "Hey, Phil! I got another

one!

'Near the refrigerator', huh?" "Beautiful, Charley!

Lemme call the printer.

Hey!" Near the

refrigerator..wow.

Fake vomit.

Lenny Bruce once said the reason the artificial vomit sells is because the artificial dog crap sold

so well.

I grew up watching the dog crap in the window, boy.

I always thought.. first, I thought a

doggie had gotten in the window and done it there, y'know.

It was always next to the false teeth

that you wind up and let go, right?

Good ol' plaster of Paris dog crap, wow.

Sure is strange.

How

do ya ask for that, y'know?

Whaddaya say to the guy?

"I'd like to see something in a dog crap,

please." "Well, what did you want to spend on that?" "Money's no object.

It's for a very good

friend.

I rather fancy that beige number in the window." "That's not beige.

That's champagne

gold!" It's free to the month Bulldog you buy Bulldog we saw in the Fox Terrier free. Imagine

would be collectors you know guys that had every breed.

"Hey you got any Saint Bernard?"

"Yes,

but there's no room in the window for that". The Doberman Pinscher you'd always know the

authentic Doberman Pinscher would be the one with the little pieces of clothing and buttons in

it.

I'd like to include a card with that please love to all damn put that on my diners club you might

gift wrapping it for me in and it sure is change.