What I Ate - David Shrigley

On Monday morning, I got up at 8 am.

For my breakfast,

I had 500 hard boiled eggs and a cup of tea.

For lunch, I had an old car tire and a bucket of frogs

and a carton of ribena.

For dinner, I had a jar of anti-ageing cream and two meters of electric flex.

On Tuesday I got up at 8 am.

For my breakfast,

I had a plastic ruler and next door’s dog.

For lunch,

I had 53 pounds of Guinness and then

I went home early and went to bed.

On Wednesday I got up at 3 pm.

For breakfast I had bacon and eggs,

two cups of tea and some holiday brochures.

I didn’t have any lunch, because it was too late.

For dinner,

I ate my briefcase and all of my wife’s clothing.

On Thursday I got up at 8 am.

For breakfast, I had a bottle of washing up liquid

and a car stereo.

For lunch, I had the plumbing from

and on-suite bathroom and two cups of tea.

For dinner, I ate some important documents,

a ski jacket, a staple gun, a pair of shoes,

a packet of biscuits and some ice-cream.

On Friday I got up early, because I had a doctor’s appointment, so I didn’t have

time for breakfast.

For lunch, I had a Cornish pasty and a cup of tea.

For dinner, I ate all of the plants in our garden

and a concrete paving slammer.

On saturday I got up at 8 am.

I have to work on Saturdays.

For breakfast, I had a bottle of muesli,

but I barfed it up on my trousers.

For lunch I ate the trousers that I have barfed up on

and then I went to the barber’s and got shaved bold

and I ate all my hair on the way back to the office.

For dinner, I ate an electrik drill and some coleslaw.

On Sunday I got up at 9 am.

I went to church without having any breakfast.

For lunch, I ate a large grave stone and some grass.

In the evening, I went out for dinner with my wife

and I had scampi and she had lasagna.