Umm, Helllllo? - Dane Cook

Then get this right?

I’m driving along man I’m driving as I’m driving

I’m driving safely.

I’m obeying the rules.

of the road

Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go .Ok.

you got it, sign

Right so I’m driving safely all of a sudden a guy in another lane

Compeletly oblivious to me.

He starts coming into my lane

JUST COMING IN And if I didn’t see him coming in. accident

But because I saw him.

ah I see HEYY Right i see

I assess the situation.

I see I assess the sit-u-a-tion

And then I uh eased on the brake.

As he’s coming I ease

And I said what anybody here says automatically when this happens

You can’t help it.

It just comes out, ready?

ready…

Um, Hello?

…Um, Hi?

Hello?

Unless you’re black.

If you’re black it’s a little different

If you’re black it’s uh check out this mothafucka.

check out this

Mothafucka!

If you’re chinese it’s *screech* *crash* So that’s…that's nice

I go to a car accident.

I got in this car accident recently right?

Not my fault!

This car accident was not my fault

Right but you know how it goes… Get in a car accident

Even if it is not your fault.

The other person, they get out of their car

Look at you like it’s your fault.

Even if it is CLEARLY their fault

They get out.

They’re like.

Alright, why did you stop at a red light

And let me hit you doing 80?!

WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?

Then you get out right?

You go you start looking at the damage

You start looking.

Keep looking at each other and back at the damage

Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir?

If we look together maybe some magic will happen

This is horri- feel this!

This even feels damaged!

Do you have tools, can you fix this right now?

This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged

Even if I was blind I would know this is horribly damaged

By the way it feels

Then you gotta exchange the information right?

That sucks cuz nobody ever has a fucking pen.

You stand there

Do you have a pen- I don’t have a pen… Can you remember all my shit?

Do you have a lipstick or something?

A crayon?

Right?

So when you finally… here’s what happens

You finally get information going and you print your stuff nice and clean

There you go.

there's my.

I highlight.

Everything’s nice

You give him the… there you go.

It’s in an envelope.

Ugh yeah

Nice and — But then you get their information and it looks like

They were having a fucking seizure while writing it

You’re like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy

And under name you drew a picture of a monkey fucking a coconut

What is that?

Is your name Monkey fucking a coconut sir?

MFC?

is that you?

MFC?

That’s a monkey… that could be a melon looks like a coco-nut

Then you take a second.

here's where it starts getting embarrasing right?

You take a second while you’re doing the exchange

You just look around for a second and there’s people EVERYWHERE

They’re like building bleachers on the sidewalk and shit

People coming out of bushes… What?

Accident?

I’m gonna watch for awhile!

Wow!

They’re discussing it right there!