Bosom Buddies - Bea Arthur

We’ll always be bosom buddies

Friends, sisters and pals;

We’ll always be bosom buddies

If life should reject you

There’s me to protect you

Vera:

If I say that your tongue is vicious

Mame:

If I call you uncouth;

Vera and Mame:

It’s simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will sit down and tell you the truth

Vera:

Tho' now and again I’m aware that my candid opinion may sting

Mame:

Tho' often my frank observation might scald;

I’ve been meanin' to tell you for years

You should keep your hair natural like mine

Vera:

If I kept my hair natural like yours, I’d be bald

But darling

Vera and Mame:

We’ll always be dear companions

Vera:

My crony

Mame:

My mate;

Vera and Mame:

We’ll always be harmonizing

Vera:

Orphan Annie and Sandy

Vera and Mame:

Like Amos and Andy

Vera:

If I say that your sense of style’s as far as off as your youth;

It’s simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will tell you the whole stinkin' truth

Mame:

Each time that a critic has written, «Your voice is the voice of a frog!»

Straight to your side to defend you I rush;

You know that I’m there ev’ry time that the world makes and unkind

Remark

When they say «Vera Charles is the world’s greatest lush!»

It hurts me!

Vera:

And if I say your fangs are showing

Mame, pull in your claws

It’s simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will notice the obvious flaws!

Mame:

I feel it’s my duty to tell you it’s time to adjust to your age;

You try to be «Peg O' My Heart», when you’re «Lady Macbeth.»

Exactly how old are you, Vera?

The truth!

Vera:

Well, how old do you think?

Mame:

I’d say somewhere in between forty and the death!

Vera and Mame:

But sweetie

Vera:

I’ll always be Alice Toklas

If you’ll be Gertrude Stein

And tho' I’ll admit I’ve dished you

I’ve gossiped and gloated

But I’m so devoted

Mame:

And if I say that s** and guts made you into a star

It’s simply that who else but a bosom buddy

Will tell you how rotten you are

Vera and Mame:

Just turn your bosom buddy

For aid and affection

For help and direction

For loyalty, love and for sooth!

Remember that who else but a bosom buddy

Will sit down and level

And give you the devil

Will sit down and tell you the truth!