Sexual Selection 2.0 - Baba Brinkman

Charles Darwin saw natural selection, not sexual selection

But natural selection as the most serious cause of evolution

But what was going on with bird songs and peacocks?

They follow mysterious laws — but then Darwin had a curious thought

It probably occurred to him while he was trying to explain his theory

To a young Victorian blond, whose face displayed

A mixture of desire and feverish awe

The immediate cause of which Darwin clearly saw… yee-ah

So he said: «My dear, descent with modification comes from

The struggle for survival and reproduction

Hence, the reason for some structures must be seduction… wassup!

In fact, Darwin’s brain was probably one such structure

Just as peacocks' tails show off the genes of the top males

And likewise the songs of nightingales, the fighting skills of elephant seals

And minnows with colourful scales, see these are all traits that sexual

selection

Has shaped through the female preference to get with the fittest mates

But in the case of human brains that selective pressure goes both ways

Male to female and female to male

Pretty much anything in nature that’s just for display, just for showing off

And isn’t meant dissuade or chase predators away, like camoflauge

Must have been selected for in a sexual way, anything in nature

That’s just for display and has no survival value… but wait

Doesn’t that mean this is just such a display?

Right now, at this very moment… no way, it’s a mistake

I swear, I really did come here with something to say

But, they’re telling me it’s just a demonstration of my DNA?

And so what if it is?

That’s great, what’s to explain?

Okay, maybe a couple of things.

First, when I say that something ornate

Like language, originally evolved as a seductive display

I am not arguing that people only use it just to get laid

Darwin leaves Freud in the dustbin, okay?

Something that evolved for one purpose can be used for a different purpose today

For instance, I could use a urine stream to put out a fire

But that doesn’t mean the penis evolved as bush fire fighter

This is a theory of language function, a theory of where it comes from;

What it’s used for now, well that is a separate discussion;

So which was it?

Was complex language originally a mechanism

For survival or reproduction?

It must have been one of them

I’m talking about complex language now, not simple language

Like «Ooh look, snake, don’t step!»

Think about it

How would complex language possible help you survive in the stone age?

Can you talk a predator out of attacking?

Can you talk a parasite out of infecting?

Can you talk a potential mate in to consenting?

Potentially, right?

Not necessarily, but potentially

Hence, presenting the grand unified theory of rhyme

Where does rhyme come from?

I’m talkin' about Homer, Beowulf

Chaucer, Shakespeare, Alexander Pope, Eminem, and Jay-Z, it’s all the same

The mating mind uses lyrical signs, combined with wit and wordplay

Conversation, humour and different narrative styles

To appraise the fitness of mates, both for the purpose of marriage ties

And for mates of the more temporary kind

These are the humble roots of the literary sublime

We are all Shakespearean primates verbalizing our cherry behinds

But how could we possibly test this bizarre theory of mine?

Not just mine, also Geoffrey Miller’s

Ideally, we could use experimental holding zoos

Filled with human subjects, we could feed them some booze

And with an overhead view we could observe which breeding pairs reproduce

And how often they use their verbal ornaments to seduce

We could even separate them into control groups, to see whether male

Or female vocals are more prone to be used in the stimulation of hormones

Although, it’s true that this sort of experiment, on humans

Isn’t normally approved — outside of nightclubs

If only there existed in a state of nature some cultural group we could study

That was preoccupied with makin' paper, and parading

Half-naked women shakin' their money makers in front of competitive males

Displaying mating behaviour while trading their creativity for sexual favours

If such a group existed, I predict it would be a major player

In the entertainment industry, and would be in major danger

Of being overwhelmed by angry player haters

But I may have to save some of my research for later

And how do I answer the charge that I’m participating

In this mating dance myself with these dazzling bars?

That isn’t hard

I plead guilty — I worked hard to achieve this ability

And if it also gives my genes visibility for females

Then I say «so be it» — But, I confess, if you look close

It also reveals my unique disability

See, my tendency to tell these monkey fables and funny medieval tales

It generally fails to attract any nubile young females

It does attract women a lot though — all highly educated

And post-menopausal!

I know, isn’t it awful?

I get mobbed after my shows

By hoards of groupie grandmas who thank me for making it possible

For them to appreciate a hip-hop flow

And, you might ask, where are their granddaughters?

My guess is, they’re all at gangster rap concerts

But hey, that’s how sexual selection works

Any mutation, such as myself, gets tested first

And if it doesn’t get spread, well, then it gets purged

So this experimental hip-hop mix where it gets crossed

With classic scientific works and literature and lectures

Will probably get the burial that it deserves

That is, unless you spread it, like whispers

So tell your friends about me, huh?

Find me some new listeners

Or write about me online, let the gossip disperse

So that even if I die, my name survives in the Twitterverse