Merchant - Baba Brinkman

Uncle Geoffrey

Will you tell us a bed-time story?

Please, huh? Please?

All right, all right, all right

Settle down. You guys all tucked in?

Yeah!

Alright, check it out — y’all ready?

Yeah!

Alright, check it

Here we go…

This is the story of a rich old man, January

He’s still a bachelor at sixty, but now he plans to marry

And he’s looking for a beautiful young wife

Which is an option for rich old geezers, sometimes

Now, January was one of those «secularists»

Which means he had no control over his sexual urges

He couldn’t say which was better, gettin' laid or gettin' paid

He just knew when he was gettin' one, the other would get away

But then he changed, whether from religious sensibility

Or whether he just got thick-headed from senility

I can’t say, but suddenly he wanted it

January became a dedicated monogamist

Instead of a misogynist, treating women like objects

It’s funny how our attitudes change with our prospects

Yeah, marriage is a beautiful thing

Especially for those who are too old to swing

That’s when it’s nice to just stay home with your wife

Instead of chasing waterfalls, ‘cause it’s cold outside

Take my advice, all you bachelor men

If you want love and happiness and companionship

You need a wife, a woman who will never be impatient

No more rejection and constant humiliation

Or anyway, that’s what January would say

When he decided he was ready for his wedding day

So he asked his friends to help him find somebody

And said, «Guys, just try to make sure she’s under twenty

I want sex appeal, not a tough old cow

I want some tender veal, instead of know-how

I want a woman I can mould right now with my own hands

Not a pre-fab thirty-year-old, I want some warm wax!»

Well, soon a young girl caught his fancy

And he said he had to have her if he wanted to be happy

And I’ll skip the details of how they got engaged

Except just to say: rich men get the females

The girl that he chose was named May

A pretty eighteen-year-old with a baby face

And when the wedding day came, the pairing was gorgeous

They looked like Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford

If Calista was more like Miley Cyrus' age

Yeah, everyone agreed that the bride was a babe

And January just watched her with lust in his eyes

And all he really wanted was to bust in her thighs

But first he had to get through the vows and feast

And the speeches, while suppressing his eagerness

But then the last guest in the villa went home

He took his bride to bed — she lay as still as a stone

As he caressed her, and said, «Sorry I have to hurt you

But the church says sex within marriage is a virtue

And now that we’re husband and wife

I can make tonight last as long as I like!»

And in spite of his age, January stayed solid

And several long hours of unpleasantness followed

And in the morning, instead of passing out

He just sat up in bed singing and laughing out loud

And she just watched him, like, «Ew, he’s crazy old!

The wrinkles on his neck look like the skin of a baby mole!»

And so on, and January singin' his verses

With his wife lyin' next to him, thinkin' he’s worthless

So we’ll just leave May in bed with her disappointment

And I’ll talk about the fly in the ointment

January had a young assistant named Damian

He was at the wedding, ‘cause he was one of his favorites

But Damian couldn’t even enjoy the day

Because Damian had eyes only for May

But he knew he couldn’t tell her ‘cause his boss was jealous

And January had sway, like the Rock-a-fellas

So he thought to himself that the sure way to get her

Would be to write the girl a note, oh yes, a love letter

When he finished the note, like a sneaky sneak

Damian hid it somewhere she would find it secretly

And he signed his name to it; he was takin' his chances

‘Cause a young man’s likelihood of mating advances

By takin' risks — that’s how human nature is

‘Cause the girls love a guy if he’s dangerous

And when May found the note, she read it and smiled

‘Cause he was kinda sweet, plus it was written with style

And it said: «PS — I’m dead if you tell your husband!»

So she ripped it into fifty little pieces and flushed it

Well after that things changed

Damian and May played the winking game

But they couldn’t follow through ‘cause there was a jealous guy

In the mix — January kept a watchful eye

On his chick, but the months passed by

January was old; he was slowly going blind

Which was increasing Damian’s chance of penetration

Thank goodness for advanced macular degeneration

‘Cause if January was jealous before

Well, his blindness amplified it just a little bit more

He was so afraid to find his wife in a tryst

That he kept one hand at all times on her wrist

With no exceptions, not even for toilet breaks

While she peed, he would hover beside her like a coiled snake

Guarding its eggs, but his problem wasn’t solved

Because her lack of freedom just increased her resolve

And pretty soon, opportunity knocked

‘Cause January liked to take afternoon walks

In his garden, holding May by the elbow

He didn’t trust her for a second on her own, hell no!

The garden was surrounded by a wall with a locked gate

He wanted privacy to exercise his prostate

With May when he pleased in a grove of trees

And a chain around his neck held the only key

But January slept like a corpse after strolls

So May copied the key in a warm wax mould

While he was passed out, and then she passed it out the window

To Damian, along with a note containing info

On what he should do, and how long he should take

And when he should enter the garden gate, and where he should wait

And he obeyed, Damian did what he was told

A guy’s gotta roll with it when a woman’s in control

Of his fate, right?

Well the very next day

January awoke with the sun on his face

He couldn’t see it but he knew it was a beautiful day

So he said: «Let's take a walk in the garden, May!»

She said, «Okay,» and dutifully walked beside him

And when they passed through the gate, he locked it behind them

And said, «Now there’s no one here but you and me, woman!»

Except, Damian was there; she could see him, but he couldn’t

He was sitting up in a tree, according to plan

And as she walked with her husband she was holding his hand

And saying, «Babe, I don’t get it; why don’t you trust me more?

The way you treat me, you must think I’m nothing but a whore!

You’re always holding my arm; it’s like you expect me

To go fuck somebody different every second if you let me

But we made a solemn vow to be faithful to each other

Through the good and the bad, and to always stay together

But for real, if you’re with me every second it’s no party»

And January said: «Aw, May baby, I’m so sorry

I wish I didn’t have to watch you every second

Like a chicken hawk — it’s just these jealous thoughts!

Ever since I lost my ability to see

All I think about is other men humiliating me

So I have to keep my property under lock and key

And that includes you, my love, obviously

See, I wanna set you free, but I’m afraid of human nature

By keeping you with me I’m saving you from temptation»

And May said, «Okay, I guess that’s fair

Ooh, look up in that tree, such delicious pears!

Oh please let me climb up and get some for us to eat

You can guard the base of the tree if you don’t trust me»

And he was kinda hungry, so he held the tree’s base

And said, «Okay, but don’t tell me you never get free space»

And for the precious folk, forgive my bluntness

But Damian just lifted up her skirts and thrust in

May and Damian, sitting in a tree

F — U — C — K — I — N — G

Like a couple of animals, with her jealous husband

Obliviously guarding the trunk of it down below

Now it’s time for a sublime suspension

Of disbelief, ‘cause here comes divine intervention

The ancient Roman gods, Pluto and Persephone

Happened to be watching from above, and they commenced a heated

Argument about who was in the right

The jealous old husband or the adulterous wife

She said, «Pluto, why you gotta be so hard on us?

Why you swear all women are so scandalous?

I mean, just look at how he treats her; she’s practically on a leash

This guy deserves to get cheated on, honestly»

And for his reply, Pluto quoted the poet O-vid

And said: «Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks!

No wonder he’s jealous, just look at this little slut

She’d climb in a tree just like a monkey to get some nuts!

In fact, fuck that; I’ll give him his sight back

And she’ll get caught in the act; yeah, we’ll see how she likes that!

And I’ll give all men the gift of suspicion

Like a weapon to keep an eye on these scandalous woman!»

And Persephone said, «Fine, if you give him his sight back

And make men suspicious, I’ll give women a gift to fight back!

If your gift to men is to make them jealous twits

Then my gift to women is the gift of deceptiveness

Sweet words, deflection and flattery

Whatever they need to keep their men from reality»

Now isn’t it strange that the gifts the gods gave

Kinda sound like the product of an evolutionary arms race?

So that if anyone was randomly born with an advantage

In the battle of the sexes, then they’d leave more descendants

On average… Ah forget it, call it a divine gift

And we’ll go back to the story of January’s blindness

Which evaporated miraculously

And he looked at his hands like, «God damn! I can see!

I can see… My wife, and she’s in a tree?!?

With a man… And they’re fucking in the canopy!?!»

And May instantly climbed down

While Damian crouched behind some branches to hide himself

And she said: «Oh, thank god it worked!

When I first heard about it, I thought it was the oddest cure!»

And he said, «Cure?!? But you were bent over a branch

With a man…» And she said, «No, that was an interpretive dance!»

«There was a man, but he’s gone now, see?

Look, there’s no man in the tree; it’s just you and me

And you can see! So you shouldn’t be angry

I just gave you your vision back, baby; you should thank me

It’s a new form of alternative therapy

You do an interpretive dance with a man up in a pear tree

And it acts as a homeopathic cure for blindness

It’s based on the latest in quantum science!»

And he said, «But I saw your dress pulled up to your chest»

And there was all this thrusting and exposed flesh!"

And she said: «Look, you know how you can’t trust your sight

First thing in the morning until you adjust to the light, right?

Well, darling, you have been utterly blind

For months; you probably just have rusty eyes

And besides, didn’t you just say that

You have visions in your head of being humiliated?

So how do you know that it wasn’t one of those?

I mean, there’s nothing we see that the mind doesn’t control

So there is no shame if you hallucinate

But you have your vision back! Aw baby, that’s super great!»

And January didn’t really wanna fight

With his wife, and he was pretty happy for his sight

So he said: «Okay, baby, maybe I was wrong»

And he really believed it too; he wasn’t just playing along

And they headed home together, hand in hand

The model relationship between a woman and man

That’s right fellas!

This is a horror story!

They were the model relationship

Between a woman and a man!

Nooooo!

Good night