The Stately Homes Of England (From Operette) - Noël Coward

Lord Elderly, Lord Borrowmere

Lord Sickert and Lord Camp

With every virtue, every grace

Ah, what avails the sceptered race

Here you see the four of us

And there are so many more of us

Eldest sons that must succeed

We know how Caesar conquered Gaul

And how to whack a cricket ball

Apart from this, our education

Lacks co-ordination

Though we’re young and tentative

And rather rip-representative

Scions of a noble breed

We are the products of those homes

Serene and stately that only lately

Seem to have run to seed

The stately homes of England

How beautiful they stand

To prove the upper classes

Have still the upper hand

Though the fact that they have to be rebuilt

And frequently mortgaged to the hilt

Is inclined to take the gilt

Off the gingerbread

And certainly damps the fun

Of the eldest son

But still, we won’t be beaten

We’ll scrimp and scrape and save

The playing fields of Eton

Have made us frightfully brave

And though if the Van Dycks have to go

And we pawn the Bechstein Grand

We’ll stand by the stately homes of England

Here you see the pick of us

You may be heartily sick of us

Still, with sense, we’re all imbued

Our homes command extensive views

And with assistance from the Jews

We have been able to dispose of

Rows and rows and rows of

Gainsboroughs and Lawrences

Some sporting prints of Aunt Florence’s

Some of which were rather rude

Although we sometimes flaunt our family conventions

Our good intentions

Mustn’t be misconstrued

The stately homes of England, we proudly represent

We only keep them up for Americans to rent

Though the pipes that supply the bathroom burst

And the lavatory makes you fear the worst

It was used by Charles the First

(Quite informally)

And later by George IV

On a journey north

The state departments keep their historical renown

It’s wiser not to sleep there

In case they tumble down

But still, if they ever catch on fire

Which, with any luck, they might

We’ll fight for the stately homes of England

The stately homes of England

Though rather in the lurch

Provide a lot of chances

For psychical research

There’s the ghost of a crazy younger son

Who murdered in 1351

An extremely rowdy nun

Who resented it

And people who come to call

Meet her in the hall

The baby in the guest wing

Who crouches by the grate

Was walled up in the west wing

In 1428

If anyone spots the Queen of Scots

In a hand-embroidered shroud

We’re proud of the stately homes of England