Could You Please Oblige Us with a Bren Gun - Noël Coward

Colonel Montmorency who was in Calcutta in ninety-two

Emerged from his retirement for the War

He wasn’t very pleased with all he heard and all he saw

But whatever he felt, he tightened his belt and organised a Corps

Poor Colonel Montmorency thought considering all the wars he’d faught

The Home Guard was his job to do or die

But after days and weeks and years, bravely drying his many tears

He wrote the following letter to the Minister of Supply

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

Or failing that, a hand grenade will do

We’ve got some ammunition, in a rather damp condition

And Major Huss has a arquebus that was used at Waterloo

With the Vicar’s stirrup pump, a pitchfork and a stave

It’s rather hard to guard an aerodrome

So if you can’t oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

We’re getting awfully tired of drawing lots

Today we had a shipment of some curious equipment

And just for a prank, they sent us a tank that ties itself in knots

On Sunday’s mock invasion, Captain Clark was heard to say

He hadn’t even got a brush and comb

So if you can’t oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home

Colonel Montmorency planned, in case the enemy tried to land

To drive them back with skill and armoured force

He realised his army should be mechanised, of course

But somewhere inside, experience cried «My Kingdom for a horse»

Poor Colonel Montmorency tried, at infinite cost to time and pride

To tackle his superiors again

Having just one motorbike, fourteen swords and a marlin spike

He wrote the following letter in the following urgent strain

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

We need it very badly, I’m afraid

Our local crossword solver has an excellent revolver

But during a short attack on a fort, the trigger got mislaid

In course of operations planned for Friday afternoon

Our orders are to storm the Hippodrome

So if you can’t oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home

Could you please oblige us with a Bren gun?

The lack of one is wounding to our pride

Last night we found the cutest, little German parachutist

He looked at our kit and giggled a bit, and laughed until he cried

We’ll have to hide that armoured car when marching to Berlin

We’d almost be ashamed of it in Rome

So if you can’t oblige us with a Bren gun

The Home Guard might as well go home