Jacob Rees-Mogg Rap Roast - Dan Bull

My God

Jacob Rees-Mogg

CHECK your priorities

At once

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Your punctuation policies

Are wrong

Jacob Rees-Mogg

No «And"-following comma, please

What

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Is with all these frivolities?

R. Rees-Mogg

I understand your concerns

But I cannot tell you that I am pleased to learn

The list of words which you determine unacceptable and worthless

Due to the fact of their being no longer fit for purpose

You’d better check your work

‘Cause when I look at Hansard

There are countless examples of you flouting your own standards

You’ve too many «I"'s yourself

What an ongoing disappointment

And thus calling to question your self appointed anointment

As the guardian and arbiter of grammatical convention

So see me after class Rees-Mogg

You’ve got yourself into detention

Whether or not it was your intention

You’ve brought attention to the boiling tension and contentions we’re all

fomenting

There’s no point in pretending we all can be friends

And it’s hard to enforce a convention in language when language is always

dissenting

It wasn’t always cemented in rules

Semantics

Or how things are meant to be called

The fact that language is bending is cool

Ascending through trends and transcending all

The attempts to control and restrain its application’s

A source of endless fascination

But actually, Jacob, I’ve taken a minute just to ascertain

Whether I’ve considered and have given it enough cogitation

To safely treat this linguistic oversimplification as just a misinterpretation

deserving of floccinaucinihilipilification

Or if you’re a pillock deserving of all of this vilification

My God

Jacob Rees-Mogg

CHECK your priorities

At once

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Your punctuation policies

Are wrong

Jacob Rees-Mogg

No «And"-following comma, please

What

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Is with all these frivolities?

You’re a man that hasn’t got a lot of equals

You don’t want to be like the comma people

Use religion to excuse your belief

Stating same sex marriages should not be legal

But I’ve got to give it to you

You’re a man of principle

And an imbecile

But honestly

I’m really rather quite surprised to find you don’t believe in hanging criminals

You’re cut from a cloth of vellum

Despite what everyone says you’re not a bellend

You’re a little bit privileged

Very old fashioned

But you stick to principles with a passion

But when you’re in the chicken coop

You get covered in chicken poo

Why did you give a speech to the Traditional Britain Group

Now you can never say that is something you didn’t do

You also sat and planned stuff with Steve Bannon didn’t you?

Never change your babbies' nappies

That’s what nannies do

Naturally

Anyway you’ve got an allergy

Ask Ali G

Jacob is the member for the 18th century

If contemporary’s an ailment he’s the remedy

He doesn’t want anything to do with anything that is in living memory

It’s not cricket if you’ve not got a ticket for entry into the Gentry

He isn’t so friendly

Nah

That’s a fib

He’s a man of the people on which we each can depend

Though Jacob

I speculate you won’t reply

Though hopefully you do

Jacob I’ve invested so much of my time in you

And how should I refer to you?

Is it Earl

Lord

Duke

Baron

Earl

Or Sire?

Yours sincerely

Daniel Cheltenham Douglby Digby Bull Esquire

My God

Jacob Rees-Mogg

CHECK your priorities

At once

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Your punctuation policies

Are wrong

Jacob Rees-Mogg

No «And"-following comma, please

What

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Is with all these frivolities?